KarMel
Scholarship 2007
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Runner
Up in the “Written” Category “A
Letter to Terry” By Lizet Mendoza
- CA |
Desciption of Submission: “It is a letter to my lesbian best friend, describing
the hardships she encountered as a lesbian at 16 years and explaining my
feelings for her.”
Biography: Lizet
is a second year student in UCLA. She is
majoring in physiological Science an hopes to
eventually become a pediatrician.
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We liked how Lizet
was able to share her personal story about her best friend who struggled to
accept herself.
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My Dearest Terry, I Miss you and your laughter; I miss the
way we joked around about things and spent late nights conversing; I miss the
way you comforted me in times of need and told me stories to cheer me
up. I miss you; you were the greatest
friend I could ever have. I remember
the first day I met you; those friendly brown eyes and that cheerful smile
that greeted me from across the lunchroom that first day of high school,
freshman year. I was so shy and
lonely, and I felt awkward wearing those last season Nike shoes, but you did
not seem to notice or care. You came
up to me, confident and joyful with that big amiable smile and introduced
yourself. From that moment on, we were
inseparable. You made school so enjoyable. I remember walking with you from class to
class, arms cuffed as we stared at the popular girls and silently joked
around. I loved sitting together at
lunch, eating our bean burritos, laughing and crying over typical high school
drama. Those daily after school walks
to the park made the days even more memorable. I remember lying there on the cool green
grass, staring up at the puffy white clouds with you, wondering why I had
been so lucky to meet such an awesome person.
Remember how you would always come over to my house to watch “Friends”
and surf the Internet for pictures of Blink 182? Those were the good old days; just you and
I, having fun without a care in the world. Freshman year passed us by in a flash
and sophomore year came with more homework and new teachers, but we managed
to get through it together. That year,
you made it into the girl’s varsity basketball team; I was so proud of you
and very excited. I loved sitting in
the stands at every game, jumping and shouting your name as you ran like the
wind from side to side, dribbling that ball.
You became so popular among the athletic crowd, but that did not
change you. We had so much fun that year,
just the two of us, going out every weekend, to the movies, the mall,
basketball games, baseball games. I
remember our fun slumber parties, how we would prank call people all night
long and watch old black and white movies until our eyes gave out. I miss those days, when everything felt so
uncomplicated. I will never forget the day our lives
changed; that sunny morning in summer vacation, when you told me you were
gay. I remember how you just burst
into tears right in front of me, as you described your inner feelings,
confused and scared. I too felt
confused, for I had no idea you were attracted toward women or that you had
been hiding beneath a façade for so long.
I did not know what to do or how to understand, but you were my
friend, so I tried. I remember talking
with you that entire night, hearing you weep with sadness, as you described
your love and lust for me; I remember how you cried and cried, judging and
hating yourself for having such sinful thoughts. You were only 16 years old, facing the
confusion of sexual identity and feeling all alone in a heterosexual
world. I felt uncomfortable hearing
all this, but our friendship was immense, nothing could tear our bond apart,
not even this. I admired your courage
for coming out about your sexuality, to me and to everyone, but I deeply
regret the sadness it brought to you. My dear Terry, nobody knows you the way
I did, so when people at school started hearing stories about you being a lesbian,
the only lesbian at Wilson High, they freaked and judged you harshly. I remember that junior year, such a
horrible year, how people began teasing you, taunting you, looking at you
with disdain. I would hear girls
talking about you in the restroom, people whispering things behind your
back. I remember that day after lunch
when we walked to your locker and found it vandalized with the word “dike”
all over. We thought this was just a
phase that it would all go away, but it just grew worse. People began teasing me too just for being
your friend. A group of girls followed
me home one day; they called me a “queer,” a “dike,” and a “tranny” all the
way to my house, yelling it over and over.
I felt so sad that I cried myself to sleep that night, asking myself
why people can be so cruel. The
following days grew worse; we both felt the stares and heard your name
everywhere; even teachers began acting differently toward you. I am sorry about how your own family
reacted; how your mother ripped up your baby pictures and stopped speaking to
you, how your own little brother could not even look at you anymore, and how
your dad stopped being your dad. My
own family began asking questions about you and my sexuality, wondering if I
too was a lesbian. I never told you
this, but they wanted me to stop
talking to you, to stop being your friend, but I did not listen. I saw how you stood alone against so many,
but you kept coming to school despite the ridicule that awaited, and you
tried your best not to cry, instead you smiled. I knew you needed a friend now more that
ever, so I stood by your side, despite everything and everyone. I wish I could have stopped your pain; I
wish my friendship could have been enough to make everything better, but even
though you seemed okay, I knew you were not.
Day after day the kids teased; they passed notes about you in class,
they ganged up on you during lunch, and constantly continued to make fun of
you and our friendship. I remember how
you were so brave; how you stood up for me when two snobby girls ganged up on
me in the lunch line, calling me a “faggot bitch.” I have no idea how you could endure so much
for so long. I tried to comfort you,
but you kept telling me you were okay; you kept smiling, acting as if nothing
were happening. I could not understand
how you could smile when so many people, including your family were so cold
toward you. As the days passed, I
noticed that smile started to fade and you started to look empty; I tried
talking to you, but you just stayed quiet; I even joked around, but you did
not laugh. You stopped coming to
school and even ignored my phone calls.
I did not know what to do or how to help. I figured you just needed your space and
with time, you would be back feeling better, but I was very sad to find out
you would never come back. My mother woke me up the morning of
April 23rd 2005 to tell me you had slit your wrists with a razor
and died. All I could do was cry. I felt so sad and so sorry. I am sorry that I was not a better friend
to you; that I did not stop everyone from hurting you the way they did. I just stood by your side, but I did
nothing. I hated everyone for the
intolerance they showed toward you our junior year; for their harsh words and
actions. I do not know why people
could not see that you were the same person you had always been; you were
still Terry, a sweet smart girl who got along with everyone. To this day I cannot fathom how your own
family turned against you, just because you were gay. I could see the regret and sorrow in your
mother’s eyes at the funeral; I saw the guilt she felt for your death, and I
did not feel any sympathy for her. You
stood up against so many people; against your own family, your teammates, and
your peers and in the end, it was just too much to handle. I love you my good friend; you were such a
beautiful person with a bright spirit and it brings me so much sadness to
remember how your life was cut short by so many ignorant evil people. I am sorry I did not do more; I am sorry I
could not stop you from killing yourself.
I regret not walking to your house to talk to you that night; I regret
thinking everything would be okay. I
hope you know that I did not care about your sexuality; that I tried to be
the same friend to you as I always had been.
Please remember that you will always be in my heart and I will always
love you. You were the greatest friend
I could ever have. Rest in peace Terry. Sincerely, Lizet Mendoza |