KarMel
Scholarship 2007
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“Directions Change” By Megan
Siler |
Desciption of Submission: story of how I met my first
Girlfriend and how it changed my life
At one time in my life someone could
have screamed, “DYKE!” and I would have been destroyed. I was weak, lacked confidence, and as my
mother would say “sensitive”. Any one
could have beaten me down with a feather and I knew it. My weakness changed one
day when I began to question who I was and what I stood for. I’m not claiming I
knew exactly who I was because that would be a lie nor
could I tell you exactly what I think about ideas I haven’t had time to ponder
and question.
I wasn’t happy in the relationship with my boyfriend
because, as cliché as this sounds, I knew I could never truly love him. When he
broke up with me for someone else he left me in pieces. Derek made me live
through the same tragedy that has been told a million times in thousands of
different ways throughout the ages. After dealing with the pain of his betrayal
and doing some self-reflection I got the courage to come out to my best friend,
Kaitlin. I told her about my feelings
for other girls and that I had felt attracted to them for a while. Lucky for me
Kaitlin was understanding and accepted me instead of pushing me away. I also
told Kaitlin I had never told anybody else about this and she understood
because many different people came out of the closet to her. Slowly I came out
to my other friends, but despite their general acceptance, I tried to keep my
sexuality a secret. I feared being
judged by other people and the discrimination that comes along with any sexuality
that doesn’t start with ‘hetero’. However, my plan to stay mostly closeted fell
apart.
When my high school’s marching band went on a trip to
In the year I was with Kendra, I grew in ways I
didn’t know were possible. Where I used to be offended when people would say
“that’s gay” or “don’t be such a fag”, she taught me to take those insults in
stride. She showed me I didn’t need to be offended by such things and that all it
took was some perspective. Every insult
became a joke and a story to laugh at. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote “Good
and bad are but names very readily transferable to that or this”. She made this
real for me. I can’t count the number of times a classmates and even the
occasional teacher were disgusted by seeing us kiss in the hallways. Their disapproval, judgments and insults
became amusing and funny instead of harsh and painful. Kendra also taught me to
not take life too seriously; it is unhealthy to do so. The world didn’t end when I didn’t get
straight A’s. The B grade just meant I had some more learning to do. Finally,
Kendra taught me to not regret anything I do. I had grasped this concept before
but she really put the idea to the test. Regret is pointless; any mistake
should be learned from and embraced as just that, a mistake. Those mistakes,
just like the successes, shape who you are as a person and you have to accept
who you are as a person. Regret only detracts from life. I live to make mistakes and to then learn
from them. If I never made mistakes I wouldn’t be human. Despite the fact that
Kendra is off perusing her dream and we are no longer dating, she guided me in
the right direction.
I understand where I want to go now.
I know I want to good education. I decided that I want to keep doing the things
I enjoy. I know I am ready for the next step. Thanks to the trials of accepting
my sexuality and experience I gained through Kendra my life has direction. I am ready to move onto the next stage of my
life. I want a college education,
successful career, and a wonderful woman to raise a family with.