KarMel
Scholarship 2007
|
“In on the Inside” By James
McGlothlin |
Desciption of Submission: The story of how I have been able to
come out to everyone but myself and my acceptance of who I really am
My life has been an endless struggle. I have not had a fairy tale or MTV
existence but I am alive and that is all I ask for. On the outside, my life has
been a succession of tragedy but on the inside, I have nothing but uncertainty
and despair. An ocean of discomfort flows within my heart. Each issue laps and
flows among the others but there is one that creeps among them all. It’s the
one that will unlock the rest if answered. I have yet to come out on the
inside.
Most
people have a hard time telling the world, their family, and their friends that
they’re gay. I did it easily. I had no problem (well maybe some anxiety) with
coming out to my friends and parents. Yet, I have never come out to myself. I
have never accepted who I am because I still can’t let go of the negative
connotations of being labeled a “homosexual”. I knew I was different my entire
life. I began to have undeniable feelings for other guys when I was 11. By the
time I was 13, I knew the truth but wouldn’t accept
it. At 15, I was trying like hell to suppress it, to make it go away. I finally
broke down one long, hot summer. I cried. I cut myself. I attempted suicide. I
overdosed on drugs and I lay for months in that small bedroom wishing it would
all be over. As the fall approached, I finally made a first step. I decided I
was bi. It was a relief like none I had felt before. Nevertheless, I still had
a burden riding upon my shoulders, slowly paining me worse than the one before.
At 17, I came out to my parents who said they always knew. At school, my
friends knew and were supportive but I still couldn’t get past the slurs of
“faggot” and “queer”. I knew I had made a mistake. I tried to act straight but
everyone knew I was gay. I was the only one who didn’t know it though.
This
continued up until today. I have tried to yet again convince myself that I’m
something I’m not. At 19, I still know nothing of myself and I’m still in on
the inside. I still struggle with the mere question of my identity, unable to
move on to the rest of my life due to my inability to accept the label. “I’m
just bi with a preference for guys,” I say. “I can’t be gay because I can’t see
myself living ‘that’ life. I don’t want this to play against a future political
career.” Well all I can say is face it, stop faking. I will no longer be in on
the inside. I cannot and I will not. THIS ENDS NOW.
I am
gay, not bi or experimenting. I AM GAY. I can no longer stay in within my own
self. If others can accept me as out, why can’t I accept it myself? Coming out
has been something totally different for me because I’m the one who wouldn’t
accept it, the one who demeaned it. I am gay and I’m proud to say that. No
longer will I lie to myself and fester within that denial. I am gay and am out
to the only person who matters, me. I’m no longer sitting in the closet of my
heart. There will be no more lies and deceit. I am gay and I know it. I AM
PROUD. I AM OUT. AS LONG AS I ACCEPT IT, I WILL FIND FULFILLMENT.