KarMel Scholarship 2007

“The Struggle Between

My Sexuality and Faith”

By Jeremy Cantwell

Desciption of Submission: A personal story describing the coming to terms with my sexuality and faith through expeniences of life.

I've always known that I was gay. At least as long as I understood what that met. In junior high is when I really started to notice that I wasn't attracted to the girls and paid much more attention to the other guys. This cared on throughout high school in secret until I played a joke on one of my friends, Adam H.

It was April Fools and I had thought long and hard about what to do. Adam was one of the boys that I had always been secretly attracted to, but would never dare tell him or any of the others my feelings toward them for fear of what my peers would think. However, I eventually decided that I would tell him that I was in love with him as the “April Fools joke of the year”, as it became known as afterwards. I proceeded by pulling him aside, working him up and finally spilling my heart's secret desire for him. I, of course, finished it off by telling him April Fools.

When that was over people gave us a hard time about being boyfriends for a while, but it blew over like things always do in high school.

However, something happened within me that I didn't see coming. I finally said the words I had wanted to say for so long and there was no undoing it. I no longer could deny or forget the feelings I had for Adam, which actually started to intensify! It eventually got to the point that I fell into a deep depression and would break down into tears from it. Finally, one night at work when I couldn't take anymore I did something I didn't expect to do. I cried out to God. I cried out asking for Him to take the feelings I had for Adam away. This was before I truly came to know the Lord and what amazed me is that within ten minutes, I no longer felt the depression. God had taken away the depression, but the feelings toward Adam hadn't changed.

This is when I decided I needed help. I reached out to the most Godly person I knew that I could trust. Brian M. I told him everything. Between him, my best friend Trevor M. and my school councilor Mrs. Albright, I overcame that episode in my life and graduated at the end of the year. Slowly, the feelings for Adam faded away and we actually became good friends.

Once graduated, I started to attend church and soon became a child of God. Being young and an only have a "child's" knowledge of God, I started becoming hungry and soaking in anything I could about what it is to be God's child. As I matured, I learned of the Holy Spirit and soon realized that the next step for me was to be baptized in God’s Spirit.

When the time was right, I attended a Cowboy Church meeting where Ray Perryman was preaching. When the preaching was over, they suddenly started telling everyone about a mission of the Triple Cross for leading homosexuals to freedom. Well, as you could tell, I felt as they were talking directly to me. So when services were over I proceeded to tell Ray I wished to be delivered from homosexuality and receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit. This was the first time that I was prayed over for deliverance from homosexuality.

That same night JT D. also was baptized in the Holy Spirit, and we soon realized that God had knitted our hearts together for whatever reason. We became the best of friends, which would soon lead me to telling JT about my ongoing struggle with homosexuality. To my amazement, he told me he already knew! He said that the night we were baptized in the Holy Spirit that God let him know in his heart what my struggle was about. This revelation lead toward many midnight talks about our different struggles in life. However, I soon found myself becoming attracted to him. I told JT immediately, which he replied by telling me he didn't care. That he knew I was fighting it. Soon his feelings would change though.

Without telling me, JT started to hate me. When he finally told me, it broke me again like it did with Adam. My best friend told me he wanted nothing more but to "beat my face to a pulp". I'll never forget those words. They tore through my heart like a dull knife, shredding as it cuts.

I wanted nothing more but to die. I had his mother follow me home that night and I handed her my gun telling her to take it from me because I was having thoughts of ending it all. I thank God I didn't. I believe the thing that stopped me the most was that very love that had just been ripped to shreds. My only other thought besides ending my life was what JT would do if he believed he was the one that pushed me over the edge. I couldn't die with that on my mind.

Soon, though, this blew over too, though JT and I barely even talk anymore. Somewhere within all that chaos I had been prayed over two more times to be freed from this sin of homosexuality. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't take it away. Two years of praying, fasting and continued struggle past. I was growing tired of struggling. I was too tired to continue.

I quickly found myself signing up and filling out a profile on an online dating site. I still believed that I was living in sin at this time and believe that being gay was that sin. I started to search the dating site for attractive men and started running across strange profiles. Men who claimed they were gay and listed Christianity as their religion.

I finally reached the peak of my curiosity and messaged one of them asking how that was possible. His name was Brett, who ended up being a blessing from God. After a few messages, we decided to chat on AIM. Brett talked me through scriptures. Mainly the ones that other Christians use to claim homosexuality is a sin. The very same scriptures I had used to instill in my head that I was living that sin. That night I broke again. But it was different this time. For the first time in my life, I had to sit there in front of the computer and admit to myself the truth. That I'm gay and God still loves me. I cried for what seemed like hours because I was finally forced to see the truth. ...and the truth shall set you free!

Now after nearly a year of admitting that I'm gay, I finally understand the meaning of that scripture. The first step was being truthful with me. The second was with my family and friends. Now that I'm open about my sexuality, I am free. I am free from the depression, free from the thoughts of suicide and free to worship my loving and caring Father.

You see, the meaning behind this story is simple. God says to "come just as you are, without one plea." To come just as you are, not as you “should be or think you should be”, but without a single plea. That's it! I had been trying to get God to "fix" me when all the time He was telling me "don't ask, just come". Two years of praying. Two years of fasting on and off. Two years of constant struggle and tearing myself down, all for one moment and one word... come.

It doesn't matter what I think on whether it's right or wrong to by gay. We could argue about that all day like so many have already, myself included. What matters is what you believe in your heart. I believe I've come to a fuller understanding of God's love through these trials of fire in my life, I believe that God loves me no matter who I am, and I believe that when I die my father will embrace me in his loving arms and say, "Welcome home my child."

We each have our own stories. This one is mine. I don’t ask or expect for you who are straight, Christians, or against gays to be able to understand it because usually the stories God gives us are just for us and others like us. I just ask that you do not judge me for who I am in this world, but rather judge me for who I am in Christ.

“As in water face reflects face, so a man’s heart reveals the man.” ~Proverbs 27:19

Thank you for listening to my story and God bless.

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