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March 8, 2006
“A Letter To My
Son”
My Dearest Ethan,
There are so many things that I would like to say to you, wish I could say to
you, and that I can not say to you. I will begin by saying, however,
that I love you with all of my heart. You will never fully understand
how much you saved my life.
Our story begins on September 11, 2001. (You will learn about this
date in school. It is the day that the United States was attacked by
terrorists.) On this day, your other Mom and I met for the first
time. She drove from New York
to Maryland
to meet me face to face for the first time since we met on the
internet. We hit it off instantly. Not only did we hit it off,
but your Pop-Pop liked her as well. Someday, you will understand how
large of an accomplishment this was. I moved up to New York with her about 2 weeks
later. We faced a lot of hardships in our first 7 months together, as I
was the first woman that she had ever been with. No one knew that your
Mom was a lesbian. The hardships got the better of us and we ended up
taking a break from one another. We were separated for 8 months.
During that time, we dated other people. However, we never lost
contact, even when we were forbidden to speak. We ended up back
together again and we moved to Maryland.
There are always hardships in a relationship, and we experienced many of
them. However, we both knew that we were together for the long haul, so
there was no need wasting our time on petty things. Both of us did a
lot of growing up. We established our goals in life, both as a couple
and individually. Our main goal as a couple and mine, personally, was
you. We decided to have a child together. We discussed every
aspect of our decision to have you. We talked about how our lives would
change, if our family and friends would be supportive, if we could do it and
still accomplish our other goals, and most importantly… how life would be for
you. After months of discussion, and a year of financial preparation,
we decided that it was time. I got pregnant with you in August of
2005. I found out the day after your Mom’s birthday. After taking
2 pregnancy tests a day for 2 weeks, it finally showed positive. That
night, I went to the hospital where one of my friends worked in the lab and
had her do a blood test to confirm it. The blood test was positive as
well. We were so excited!! There are no words for the way that I
felt. You were my dream come true. We told everyone at our work,
(we both worked for the same hospital) and told all of our friends. The
next step was to tell our families. I called your Uncle Donnie (my
brother) and told him first. He was shocked and was so happy. He
always wanted me to have a baby and make him an Uncle. He came right
over to our house and rubbed my belly and said, “There’s a baby in
there!” Next we told your Mom-Mom. She was happy as could
be. She said that she always knew that no matter what, I would be a
mother someday. A couple of nights later, we went to your Pop-Pop and
Na-Na’s house to tell them. We were so nervous and did not know how to
tell them. A couple of their friends were over and we were all sitting
around the table just talking. When a break finally came in the
conversation, I blurted out, “Guess what?! I’m pregnant!” I didn’t
quite get the response that I had hoped for. Your Na-Na said, “Yeah right.”
Your Pop-Pop just dropped his jaw and didn’t say anything. I got up and
ran outside and started crying. Your Mom stayed in the house and
confirmed to everyone that I was not joking. Your Pop-Pop came outside
to talk to me and told me that he was sorry and that everyone was just
shocked. (No one even knew that we were planning to have you.) He
hugged me and told me that he was happy if I was happy. We went back in
the house and everyone said congratulations and next time, to prepare them
before I blurt out something like that. The last people we had to tell
was your Mom’s family. They were planning to come down to Maryland from New York to visit the
next weekend. We decided to wait and tell them then. When they
got to our house, it was pretty late in the evening, but we couldn’t wait any
longer. We sat them all down in the living room and your Mom told
them. They were happy and congratulated us. It was pretty
un-eventful. The next day, however, your Mom’s father was not the
same. He finally made the statement that you would, “Never be a
Harding.“ This crushed your Mom and I both. We had met our first
brick wall that comes with being lesbian parents. Now, we had to get
through the pregnancy.
Another couple of weeks went by and life took a major
turn. Your Uncle Donnie committed suicide. It happened on the
morning of September 26,
2005. I got the phone call that your Pop-Pop had found
him. That was my deepest and worst fear, come true. Your Uncle
Donnie and I were more than brother and sister. We were truly best
friends. He had lived with your Mom and I several times and he and I
were always together. Most of all, he was supposed to play such a huge
part in your life. That was the darkest time in my life. If it
weren’t for you, I would not have survived. My first answer for all of
the pain I was experiencing was to do the same thing that he had done.
However, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and you were my
miracle. You weren’t even the size of a pea yet, and already I knew
that you were something special and you became my strength and will to
survive. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.
Without you, I am not too sure of where I would be. Finally, after a
couple of weeks, I was ready to return to work.
I was working on the Pediatric Unit in the hospital and your Mom
worked in the Emergency Department. All of our co-workers knew that we
were an item and knew all about the pregnancy. Most of them were very
supportive. One of your Mom’s co-workers had her own opinion
though. She approached your Mom and asked her, “With everything that
kids have to go through these days, how can you be so selfish to add this to
your own child?“ Your Mom was floored and crushed. That was the
next big brick wall. Both of us are always professional at work.
Our jobs were to help patients and their parents on a daily basis.
Therefore, to make sure that they were always comfortable, we chose not to
share our personal life with them. Sometimes, that was not always easy.
People automatically assume that because I was pregnant, I had a
husband. I was always asked what my husband did and I would respond
that I did not have a husband. Then, they would follow with, “Well how
about your boyfriend?” I would answer that I did not have a
boyfriend. After that, usually I was met with blank stares or an
awkward moment. I was trying to be professional. One patient went
further as to ask me, “Well who are you pregnant by?” I, being
professional and proud of who I am, responded, “My partner and I are having
this baby together.” The woman was really shocked and did not ask any
other questions after that. However, she acted awkward around me for
her remaining stay in the hospital. Again, somewhat of a brick
wall.
The months went by very slowly. It seemed like an
eternity. We had your room ready for a baby to move in by the time I
was about 4 months pregnant. I finally reached the 9th month and I was
huge. Everyone kept telling me that I looked like I could pop any
day. I loved to hear that, but the days kept passing and there was no
popping. I was 2 weeks from my due date when I got some unusual
cramping and went into the hospital for a checkup. Your heartbeat was
dropping a little bit but the nurse and doctor did not seem worried so they
sent me home. I spent the next 2 days on the couch crying because I
just knew that something was wrong with you. I went in the next day for
my OB appointment and the doctor said that I
still had another week at least and that everything was okay. I still
had a bad feeling. I looked up how to induce labor yourself and I ended
up drinking castor oil the next night. After being in the bathroom for
2 hours, I fell asleep. I woke up about 2 hours later having
contractions. Your Mom and I walked around the block for like another
hour and timed the contractions. Finally, we decided to go to the
hospital. When we got there, the nurse examined me and said that I
would probably walk for an hour and then go home. Then, she noticed
that your heartbeat kept dropping and my contractions were only a minute
apart. She left the room and when she came back, she said, “Change of
plans, the doctor wants you in a room and he will be here in ½ hour to break
your water.” Well, all of that happened and when he broke my water, you
had a bowel movement already which meant that you were in distress.
They gave me a drug to induce my labor and it did not work. They waited
for me to fully dilate for like 9 hours and then finally decided to take you
by C-section. At 6:00 pm
on May 4, 2006,
you were born. You weighed 8 pounds and 4 ounces and were 21 inches
long. You were healthy and beautiful and everyone loved you.
We came home a couple of days later and had so many visitors to
come and see you. Everyone said how beautiful you were and they all
held you. My favorite times, however, were when it was just the three
of us. You, me and your Mom have so many wonderful times
together. I just wish that you could remember them later in life.
I also wish that other people could see those times and see the connection
that you made with both of us… not just me, as your birth mother. We
both love you so very much. You are our son. You ended up not just
touching our lives, most of our family became empowered by you. Just
like you got me through your Uncle Donnie’s death, you turned out to be a ray
of sunshine to the entire family. Everyone looked at you as their
strength to make it, especially your Pop-Pop. You are truly a miracle
to all of us.
Now, you are growing so fast. You change daily. You
are crawling all over the place and are on the verge of walking. You
have everyone wrapped around your adorable little pinky. I, as your
mother, worry about you constantly. I worry about your future and about
so many other things, I can not even name them all. My biggest fear for
you is knowing that, at some point, you will have to experience pain.
The world is full of it. Though some of it is inevitable, like death of
a loved one, most of it can be prevented. Ethan, this world can be a
cruel place. You are a wonderful person already!! I can see it
and so can many others. The world is your playground and you can do
ANYTHING that you set your mind to. People may pick on you or hurt your
feelings about our family. I heard this on a movie: Ellen DeGeneres
said, “Kids get teased about one thing or another, you can’t prevent
that.” I just hope that your family, which is different from other
families, is the only thing that you get teased about. That way, it is
not you that the kids are picking on, it is your Mom and I. That means
that you are doing okay in life! Don’t feel like you ever have to
defend us. We made this choice for you and for us, and we did so with
the utmost confidence. We think about you and worry about you with our
every breath. You are the center of our universe and we will do
anything and everything in our power to give you the life and the tools for
life that we can.
I love you more than you will ever understand and so does your
Mom. You are my miracle and you saved my life son! I thank you
for that, and I thank you for being you. Enjoy your life! I know I am
enjoying it!!
My Undying Love
Forever,
Mom
In the picture, I am on the top, my partner Mindy has the dark hair, and of
course Ethan!
I chose to write this letter for a couple of reasons, I found that it amazed
me to see it on paper. I would also like Ethan to have a copy one
day. My main reason was to show people that though some families are
different in one way or another, we all go through the same trials and
tribulations of life. Some are more extreme than others, but all in
all, we share the same emotions and experiences. I also hope to show
that Ethan, and any other child should not be singled out because of their family.
No child asks to be born, they/we all have to make our way through life using
what we are given.
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