KarMel Scholarship 2005

“Revelations”

By Lisa Butts

Desciption of Submission: “A One Act comedic play about Jerry Falwell’s descent into hell.” - Lisa

Scene I

We open with the political legend and moral leper, Jerry Falwell, seated at a desk shuffling through papers. He is obviously agitated and mumbling to himself.

Falwell: I don’t understand what’s happened! I gave direct orders for that orphanage to be burned! Yes, burned to the ground! How am I supposed to open the Jerry Falwell White Supremacy Golf Course and Off Track Betting Center of God with that eyesore sitting right one the ninth hole?

Falwell sighs deeply and presses a button on the phone.

Falwell: Candace get me Pat Robertson on the phone, tell him its about the JFWSGCOFTBCG.

There is no answer from the other end.

Falwell: Christ, Candace, could you stop filing your nails for a goddamn second and do your job? (muttering) That’s what I get for hiring a woman. Not even good at answering the damn phone.

Falwell continues shuffling papers on his desk. Suddenly there is a rumble of thunder and a crack of lightening. The stage darkens as the electricity is knocked out.

Falwell: Oh, now this?! Everything always happens to me. You’d think I wasn’t a goddamn man of God.

There is a booming voice from above:

God: Jerry Falwell…

Falwell: (looking around) Candace? Is that you?

God: Jerry Falwell, this is God. And I think you know what this is about.

Falwell: (looking frightened) Umm…my faithful service and to your will and spreading your word to the masses…sir?

God: (laughing) Don’t be a fool, Falwell. I have come back as promised to punish those who blaspheme and sin. And yours was the first house on my list.

Falwell: Is this about the JFWSGCOFTBCG? Because I have to tell you, the plans are very tentative, if there’s something you don’t approve of, I could take your name off the project all together if that would…make you more…comfortable…

Falwell is literally trembling with fear.

God: This has all been a test, Falwell. I put money on the earth to teach people about greed and avarice. I put drugs on earth to teach people about temptation and moderation. And I put all different kinds of people on earth to teach about tolerance. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Falwell: Is this a gay thing? Or a race thing? I mean, just so I know what I’m dealing with here…

God: Silence! On Judgment Day, God does the questioning! Jerry Falwell, you have committed grave sins against your fellow humans. You have lead others astray with your vocal bigotry. You have lied, cheated, and stolen, all the while attempting to make others look like degenerates. I take you now to your destiny, the fifth layer of hell, or as it is known by those who dwell there…

Falwell: (trembling and shuddering) Oh, please no, please, anything but-

God: Queer Eye for the Eternally Damned!

Scene II

The setting is a posh Manhattan apartment. The guys (Carson, Ted, Thom, Kyan, and Jai) are laughing and drinking tropical-colored drinks with tiny umbrellas in them. Enter Jerry Falwell.

Falwell: Oh, Jesus, what is this place?

Carson: Look guys, Jerry’s here! Hi, Jerry. Oh, boy, we really have our work cut out for us today, if we’re going to make this one presentable enough for hell! What do you think, Thom?

Thom: Goodness! Is that a dead rat on his head?

Carson: No silly! That’s his hair! Or, um, what he’s pretending is hair, anyway.

Jai comes up behind Falwell and pulls off his toupee.

Falwell: Oh, now really, is that necessary?

Carson: Oh, Jerry, don’t be such a wimp. There’s a lot of fine ladies you might meet in hell, you know. I mean, if you’re here now, Ann Coulter couldn’t be far behind you!

Scene III

Again in the apartment with the guys.

Carson: Well, guys, I think we’ve really outdone ourselves here.

Thom: Considering we weren’t given much to work with!

Carson: Come on out, now, Jerry, don’t be shy!

Enter Jerry wearing a purple velvet suit with an ascot tie and a cane. Carson is wearing the exact same outfit.

Carson: Magnificent!

Falwell: I look like a damned pimp!

Carson: Isn’t it great?! I was thinking you look more…late 80’s Prince. Like in Purple Rain! Right guys?

There is a general murmuring of agreement.

Jai: I love Purple Rain!

Carson: Now if it gets too hot for you down there in hell, you can take off that jacket and sling it over your shoulder.

Falwell models this look.

Carson: Yes! Exactly like that! Now, Mai Thais anyone? Oh, not you Jerry, I think you have somewhere to be! Hahahaha! Great work gentlemen!

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