KarMel Scholarship 2005
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“Heterosexual Apathy’” By
Kristina Gill |
Desciption of Submission: “Attempts to appeal to straight people that
are unconcerned with the problem of intolerance towards gay people because it
doesn’t concern them. It displays a
straight man who is not affected by the situation in the U.S. but is placed in
a similar situation where the government, religion, and society condemn his
relationship with somoene that he loves.” - Kristina
Standing
in line to receive his boarding pass, Stuart happened to glance over at another
line to spot two men holding hands and talking and smiling to one another.
Stuart couldn’t help but let out a little shudder. It’s not that I’m a homophobe, he thought, I just don’t understand why they have to do that in public. He made
a point not to stare, but occasionally shot them quick glances before obtaining
his pass and hurrying away from the lines.
As the plane took off, Stuart felt himself
being overwhelmed with excitement. This was his final trip before starting
college. His destination was
Hours later, Stuart had drifted into sleep but
was roughly awoken by the violent shaking of the airplane. He looked out the
window to see surrounding dark clouds and beneath them a matching gloomy and
choppy sea that seemed to stretch endlessly. Another forceful shake of the plane
began to make Stuart fearful, worries and anxious thoughts streaming through
his mind faster than he could really contemplate. A voice filled the cabin from
the intercom, “This is your captain speaking, we are
experiencing some turbulence…” The shakes became increasingly strong as Stuart
and the other passengers clung to their seats, hoping for the best. After about
a half-hour, the voice returned, “Due to the present storm we are going to have
to make an emergency landing, please remain calm.” Easier said
than done. There was panicking, crying, praying,
hoping, and pleading as the captain and copilot searched the radar for a
suitable place to land the plane. After choosing a location, the pilots tried
desperately to land the plane safely but the turbulence from the storm
continued to toss the plane about, making it extremely difficult. They were
coming down too fast. There were screams, hysterical panic attacks, more
praying. Stuart closed his eyes and started praying and crying himself just as
the plane crashed to the ground and he fell out of consciousness.
When he awoke it was difficult to
recollect what had happened. The plane and its other passengers were nowhere to
be seen. It was apparent that he had no mortal wounds, just cuts and scratches,
maybe a broken bone. He felt the back of his head, it was bleeding, but he was
alive. He also took notice of his surroundings. He had landed on a tropical
pacific island, but it definitely wasn’t
The second time Stuart regained
consciousness, it was almost dark, there were mysterious sounds echoing around
him and he began to become nervous. At this time he became aware of a hunger
that had been building in his stomach and was now consuming him. The last thing
he had eaten was a small bag of airline peanuts and that was hardly enough to
satiate him even at that time. He desperately needed food and somewhere to stay
for the night. His thoughts leaped back to the story of Robinson Curusoe and the difficult struggles that came with living
on a deserted island. Being a city boy from
Moments later he was seated on a fur
in the middle of one of the huts. He had encountered only minor hostility but
mostly curiosity. He assumed that the civilization had never seen anyone from
outside their community and were surprised, even, that another world existed
apart from their own. The islanders had all come out of their huts to puzzle
and speculate about the foreigner, giving him confused and frightful glances as
the chief lead him into his hut. Now the chief returned to the room with a
woman, presumably his wife, and was seating on a fur directly across from
Stuart’s own. The chief was lean but muscular with a warrior-like appearance
but even so, a friendly face. He had strong features, a clef chin and long,
sleek black hair that fell to his shoulders. His wife was very similar to her
husband, only with softer and gentler features. She had almost exactly the same
shade of hair color, smooth black. “You must forgive us, we have not had a
visitor for a long time,” the chief started. He spoke English, Stuart was
wrong; they had been exposed to foreigners. “You are injured and look restless,
tonight the doctor will see you and then you will rest with the Huanni family,
tomorrow you will tell us about where you came from.” He concluded and showed
Stuart to another hut where he was to be looked after.
Stuart awoke the next morning to
Mrs. Huanni tapping his shoulder and offering him a bowl of unidentifiable
liquid. They had done their best the previous night to mend his wounds with
their limited medical knowledge and had at least wrapped his head in a type of
cloth. As he drank the liquid, that was actually more pleasing to taste than to
look at, Mrs. Huanni watched him intently. He knew that she wanted to ask him
all kinds of questions but glad that she refrained, as he wasn’t really in the
best of moods. When he finished, she took his bowl and placed it aside but
didn’t leave the room. She finally mustered to courage to question, “Do you
have a novia where you came from?” He
looked confused so she added, “Umm…a female companion…not a permanent one…one
that you wish to marry one day perhaps…” He could see she was trying very hard
to explain so he indulged her curiosity, “A girlfriend. No, I don’t have a
girlfriend. Never really wanted one. They’re trouble.
Always wanting your money…” Now she was the one that looked confused, so he
just restated, “No.” She looked content for the time being and as she took his
bowl and left the room she said, “Well, I don’t think you’ll find one around
here, I’ve never seen such a golden color of hair before.” He was puzzled but
ever since he saw the chief and his wife with identical shades of black locks
he had also noticed that the Huannis also both had light brown hair but at the
time thought it only a coincidence. Stuart had regained most of his strength from
his injuries later that day and decided to wander around the village. He
visited many of the huts, talked with the villagers, and, as he expected,
supported his assumption that all of the couples in the village had the same
color hair. What a weird society, Stuart
thought as he went to sleep that night in Huanni hut, to base a thing like marriage on physical characteristics instead of
the actual person.
Stuart woke up in the middle of the
night, the bright white light from the moon shone in through the hole in the
hut that acted as a window. As he looked out the hole, he saw the entire
village basked in the glow and being awake already, decided to go out into the
open air. He slipped on the dirty T-shirt that he had been wearing continuously
for two days now, through a plane crash and a walk through the jungle, that was ragged and stained but even so had been
felt by many villagers in amazement. As he walked through the village he heard
animal sounds and then rustling from right outside the village. He became
nervous, hoping a wild animal wasn’t waiting to attack him but curious all the
same, wandered out from beyond the village and saw, in a clearing, a woman
dancing in the moonlight. She was half-naked. A small, thin piece of reed-like
fabric barely covered the lower part of her body and another was conveniently
placed to cover the majority but not entirety of her breasts. Her bare
shoulders, back and stomach caught and reflected the soft white light as she
twirled in the cool night air. She was thin, delicate, and beautiful. He stood
mesmerized as she danced to the semi-silence of the night. Her long,
waist-length black hair swirled around her face which suddenly gave a shocked
expression as she noticed her observer.
It had been a month since Stuart had
come to the island. It had been twenty-nine days since he had fallen in love
with Ireth, the lovely moondancer. It had been twenty-eight consecutive days
that he tried to persuade her to return his feelings. She had forgiven him for
his earlier spying episode but that was about it. He had done everything he
thought she would enjoy. He told her she was beautiful, the most desirable
being he had ever seen. He had searched the jungle for exotic flowers that he
placed outside her door. He walked with her as she went to the waterfall to
obtain water for the village, talking with her the entire way, wanting to know
everything about her. She would laugh and oblige, narrating her childhood and
her hopes and dreams for the future. She wasn’t only attractive but intelligent
as well. But she wouldn’t do anything more than be his friend. One day, as they
reached the waterfall and she lay on a rock to fill the buckets and dip her
arms and legs into the crisp, clear water that collected in the pool, Stuart
asked her, “Do you like me?” She giggled and replied, “Of course, you’re nice
and funny and a good listener…”
“Yes, but could
you love me?”
“No, of course
not. Are you serious?”
“Yes. You are beautiful and funny
and smart and I want nothing more than to be with you.”
“You know I’m not that way. I like
men with black hair. You have blonde hair. It just wouldn’t be natural”
“Why not?”
“You’re kidding right? Because not
only is it against our beliefs and evil but it’s just not right. Not only that, but there are laws against people with different
hair colors getting married.”
“What does the government or
religion have to do with love?”
“Everything.
It protects the sanctity of marriage. Besides, I just don’t like men with
different colored hair. What kind of person do you think I am?”
Ireth didn’t wait for an answer,
feeling really disgusted, she picked up the water bucket and hurried back to
the village. Stuart followed some time later, disappointed and hopeless.
A
week later, Stuart went out in the middle of the night to Ireth’s hut. He
peered in through the window to see her engaged in some odd ritual. First she
held her arms out and then wrapped them around each other and titled her head
against them as if she were hugging the air, then unwrapped
her arms and smiled at nothing in front of her. She began to speak very
silently to her imaginary friend, her gestures showing great respect and love,
as a daughter would show for her father. Then the daughter looked as if she
were asking her father for a favor and then waiting as if wanting an answer
from the air in front of her. After a few seconds she gleefully smiled and
thanked it and as her ritual drew to a close, she waved good-bye as Stuart
looked on in confusion. Was she crazy for thinking there was someone there that
wasn’t or was he crazy for not seeing someone standing right in front of him?
Back in
“Not very long and I want you to
come outside with me.”
She stood looking contemplative and
then reluctantly agreed and joined him. As they walked in the mysterious cloak
of night, lit only by the massive bonfire in the middle of the huts, he finally
confessed to watching her ritual and asked her about it. “I was praying.” She
declared as if it was completely obvious.
“But you were talking out loud and
making gestures as if there was someone there.”
“There was someone there.”
“Who?”
“My god.
There might not look like there was anything there to you but you have to have faith and believe that there is someone there
that loves you and that takes care of you. If you don’t have faith then you
have no one to care or fix all your problems.”
“But that’s not real love. You can’t
prove that the air that you speak to loves you. I love you. This is real.”
“But you won’t fix my problems.
You’ll just cause more. I told you I’m not that way.”
“Why do you need someone to fix all
your problems? Why can’t you just accept that there are going to be problems
with life and try to fix them yourself instead of relying on something you
believe will help you but you have no proof that it even exists?”
Ireth was silent. They walked on in
the darkness, she looked upset but she wouldn’t tell him why. As they walked
on, she finally said, “What if my father finds out? What if the village finds
out? They’ll reject me. They’ll think I’m evil.”
“Finds out what?” Stuart’s interest
was growing.
“That I love a man with blonde
hair.”
They
had walked so far that they were in the same clearing that he had first seen
her dancing in the moonlight. It was a full moon again and the light shone
brightly into the clearing just as it had. Suddenly, she took him in her arms,
then she began to run her fingers over his cheeks, his forehead, his nose,
finally into his light, golden, different hair. She felt rebellious, dirty, and
whorish. But she liked it. She liked the feel of his skin, the look in his eyes
that told her that he desired her above all else. She liked that she liked him.
It felt good to admit her feelings even though all others would consider it
wrong. Then she ran her fingers over his lips and finally kissed him deep and
long, passionately and tenderly, loving every minute and every feeling that
coincided. He ran his hands up and down her sides and her back, feeling so
privileged to be able to touch her skin without her protesting. As they
continued to kiss more deeply and more lustfully, they broke and she began to
kiss up and down his neck. Then she let her lips wander to his ear and began to
chew gently on his earlobe. He let out a little moan of desire as she found her
way back to his lips and kissed him again more eagerly. Wanting her more and
more with every kiss and every touch, Stuart was becoming overwhelmed with
emotion but had to restrain in order to give her the respect she deserved but
she showed the same overwhelming emotion and whispered lightly and seductively
into his ear, “I want you.” He laid her down on the jungle floor for the rest
of the night was careful to ensure that she received as much pleasure as he
could give. They fell asleep together that night under the moon in complete
bliss, thinking and dreaming only of each other, unconcerned with society and
its rules that at this time seemed totally irrelevant.
After that night, however, Ireth
became very confused with herself and what she had always believed to be true.
She refused to see Stuart during the day when someone might see them together
even though being apart hurt both Stuart and her. She didn’t like having to
conceal something from her parents for their sake and didn’t like concealing
Stuart for his own. Still, though, she thought that it
was best to be kept secret. She would still sneak out to see him when it got
dark and everyone was asleep and they would have wonderful nights together,
worrying only about each other, being able to be alone and in love without
justification to any other being. After weeks passed though, Stuart began to
get frustrated with the secrecy. “I want them to know. I want everyone to know
how much I love you. Even if they can’t accept it,” he would tell her but she
refused.
One day, as Stuart and Ireth were
walking down to the waterfall, Stuart held out his hand. “I think you’re ashamed
of me. If you really love me and you aren’t ashamed of me, hold my hand as we
walk. Why do you care so much what others think? Why doesn’t it matter that we
are in love?” On the verge of tears over his sincere questions, she remained
quiet but took his hand in her own and walk through
the village. As they walked, it seemed like the entire village was staring.
They looked and gawked, some pretended not to but they both knew that they were
staring at them, some of them whispered, some giggled, some just were
awe-struck and stood wide-mouthed. The priest looked ashamed. Ireth knew she
would be shunned from now on for this.
That night, at dinner, it was very
quiet. Ireth’s father finally turned to her and said blatantly, “I heard you
were holding hands with that blonde kid. You’re just friends right?” Ireth sat,
thinking. Should she come out and tell him that they were together? How would
he react? Would he still love her in the same way? “Father, I have something to
tell you….” She began, “I’m with a man of a different hair color. We are in
love. I hope that you can still accept me because you understand that love is
not a choice. We don’t choose who we love, we just do and that’s how I feel.”
Ireth’s father and mother both looked very shocked. They couldn’t even speak.
Ireth couldn’t stand their judging faces, their intolerant attitudes, so she
went to her room to hope that eventually they would learn to deal with the
truth and still love her as their daughter.
Ireth and Stuart’s relationship was
out in the open but they still didn’t feel comfortable in the community that
Ireth had grown up in and the one that Stuart had learned to love. In public
they felt like aliens, excluded from the rest of them, coexisting but not
coinciding, segregated from everyone else. There were none that even tried to
understand. They lived confined by their norms and their religious dogma. Still
the best time that both Ireth and Stuart had were those nights together beneath
the moon where there was nothing to judge or torment, the sounds of the night
left them in peace.
One night, Stuart left his room in
the cloak of darkness to travel to Ireth’s room and take her away into the
night and remain together in their own world. When he got to Ireth’s hut, he
peered into the window only to see there was another man she held tight in her
arms. The man was kissing her deeply, as they would have that night. He watched
them together as his heart sank into his stomach. It wasn’t that he was
stronger or more handsome, because he wasn’t, but he had what Stuart coveted
the most at that moment for even though he couldn’t see his face, Stuart was
able to make out his dark black hair. At that moment, Ireth saw Stuart in the
window. She looked in the eyes with a sincere look of regret, “I’m so sorry, I
loved you, but it’s just so much easier this way. You have to understand.” The
other man smirked. He had Stuart’s only treasure in the world and he was glad.
“It just wasn’t supposed to be like that,” the man said to Stuart and then
disregarded his presence and returned to Ireth who wouldn’t object. Stuart felt
betrayed and alone but most of all he felt trapped. All this
time he had not been worried about getting home because he had found a new home
as long as he could be with Ireth. He realized now that even if he had
tried it would have been impossible. Now he was trapped on this island with no
way out and no friends or family to comfort him. He ran away from Ireth’s hut,
away from the village, into the darkness of the forest. Branches and plants scraped
at him, physical pain built onto emotional but the emotional pain overwhelmed
Stuart so much that the physical seemed to be nothing in comparison. He
continued to run until after miles, he reached the shore of the island and
began to swim. He intended to swim as far as he could towards home until he
could not swim anymore, convinced that there was no
reason not to.
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