KarMel Scholarship 2005

“The Trials of Coming to Terms with my Gender Identity”

By Jeana Money

Desciption of Submission: “In my essay I will describe the many mountains I’ve had to climb in my life and with my sexuality and gender identity and how I’ve come to terms with it all and my acceptance of my loved ones and peers.” - Jeana

Ever feel like you don”t belong? Do you know what it”s like to be so disgusted by your own body that you have to shower in the dark so you can”t see yourself? That you”d like to smash the mirror every time that you look into it because the image looking back at you really isn”t who you are it couldn”t be. Who”s that girl in the mirror staring back at me? I go through this on a daily basis. I”m a pre-op female to male transsexual.

I have my days where I feel completely male and I even pass when I go out and then someone has to call me by my biological name Jeana. My male name is Taylor Damario. My family refuses to call me by it. As my mother says, I’m always going to call you Jeana no matter how transitioned you are. I gave birth to a daughter not to a son. You’re a beautiful girl why can’t you just be a butch lesbian and be happy with that??

Because it’s not who I am! I’m physically a girl but mentally I’m a boy. I’ve always tried to fit in. I only came out about being an FTM my senior year in high school. I remember being little when you don’t think about gender roles just how I must have seemed to adults. Growing up instead of playing with other little girls with Barbie’s I was outside with the guys building forts, riding bikes, and playing sports. All of my friends growing up were guys. It’s almost like I had that little boy mentality that girls had cooties. I even helped the boys chase the little girls during recess. I was the only girl that the boys would let play soccer with them during recess too. I was always one of the captains. When I was eight years old is when I started to recognize that I was attracted to other little girls. I thought it was natural though. I felt like a boy who liked a girl.

When middle school rolled around I had a lot of home problems going on and on top of that I finally started to realize I wasn’t as normal as I thought. I seen all of the girls with their boyfriends and felt like a freak for the thoughts I was having. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere until I met another girl who went by Kyle. When I first seen her I thought she was a boy and so did everyone else. She got made fun on and not many of the kids would talk to her but I was drawn to her. Soon after we became close friends. We had two classes together: P.E. and Math. During P.E. we would always play basketball together because we insisted no one knew how to play the right way. When the truth was all we knew was how to play street basketball. During math I we would always work together because we were both kind of weak in that subject. I became more comfortable with whom I was and started making tons of friends and so did Kyle.

The third quarter of sixth grade was rolling around and I was doing great in school and was actually popular. I had a cute boyfriend and a beautiful girlfriend that no one knew about named Crystal. She was in the eighth grade. Then it all came crashing down because my mom got into some legal trouble and she made us leave Florida so she couldn’t be arrested. I went from being at the top of my game to missing the rest of the school year, having to leave everyone I cared about behind, to run from the cops.

We made it to Tennessee in a day driving straight through. We were going to crash at my mom’s teenage boyfriend?s aunt’s house for the night but instead I woke up to find they had abandoned me with this complete stranger. I spent two months at the aunt’s house until my mom decided to come back for me. We then moved in with my aunt where I was beaten and criticized nonstop for my boyish look and mannerism?s. A few months later we would end up moving with mom’s new boy toy and I would be forced to live in a shed. I wasn’t even allowed to go inside to go to the bathroom. My mom had been into some bad drugs but not like then. During that time she had turned into a crack addict. I met a girl named Missy through my mom’s boyfriend and I started basically living there. I got into drugs then myself. Yes, I started doing drugs at eleven. I was also smoking and drinking.

My mom left her current boyfriend for his best friend and yet again we moved. We moved to Gary, Indiana. Can we say ghetto? They didn’t last long because my father came back into the picture which scared me terribly. I was forced to live alone with him. My father was a very sick man. He got off by being mentally, physically, and sexual abusive towards me. I’ve been some things in my life that make the man from ‘A Boy Called It’ look like he had it easy. Keep in mind this whole time I wasn’t attending school.

My mom then hooked back up with my dad and we all moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana in a one bedroom apartment. I slept on the floor. We had no couch or any furniture for that matter. Not even a television. We won’t even get started on how long I had to go without food either. Finally, my mom left my dad again and we took a greyhound bus back to Florida to live in a homeless shelter. The second day we were there I woke up to my mom being arrested. I was placed into my older sister’s care. She was twenty at the time. I had seen a lot living in the homeless shelter. I also found out my sister was a lesbian and she has a serious girlfriend named Jackie. Jackie was wonderful in the beginning. She was much older in her forties so it was like having a mom around.

Turns out she was an alcoholic and once we left the homeless shelter she started heavily drinking again. She was extremely abusive towards me and my niece who was only three. She once even tried to stab me. I raised my niece until I was fourteen because DCF came in and separated my niece and I into different foster homes.

I was placed with a woman named Pam Gary. It was my freshmen year. When she went to place me into high school I had to take an aptitude test. I scored off the charts so I was placed into all honors courses. I met this beautiful girl named Holly soon after. We became extremely close friends. She was a cowgirls and I was a rocker/ jockish kid. We were an odd match but that didn’t matter to us. One night after a rodeo Holly had dragged me too we were walking back to my house and she kissed me. I’ll never forget that kiss and how amazing it was. She was the first girl I ever shared a real kiss with. We started a secret relationship soon after. That was until Sarah my foster sister caught us. She told the whole school and my foster parents. I was in redneck county too so absolutely no one would talk to me anymore Holly’s mom put a restraining order against me and Pam treated me like I had the plague. She was already mentally and physically abusing me but now she just entirely singled me out.

My mom got out of jail and basically abandoned me again by not showing up for my judicial review and along with everything else I couldn’t handle any of it anymore. I took 250 pills and went to sleep. I woke up in the ICU. I stayed there for over a week. Then I had to go to the Harbor for a day and half. They put me on paxil and returned me home. I finally called DCF and said, ‘Move me or I’m running and you’ll never find me.’

That night I was moved. I got to take the clothes on my back. My new foster home was like heaven. Georgene and Jim my foster parents who I now call my mom and dad were like super parents. I love them so much. Through them they got me off drugs, smoking, and drinking. I didn’t need it anymore because for the first time I was home I was loved and wanted. I got into a youth group and started making straight A’s again. School I never gave up on believe it or not. I kept active and my grades as high as possible because that was my ticket in life. My junior year comes and I got a clothing vulture to buy some new clothes for the first time in years. I bought all boys clothes. I was through with being someone else. I lost a bet soon after too and my guy friends got to chop all of my hair off. I cried until I looked in the mirror. It felt so right to me. I soon after cut my hair into spikes. I got to be completely out as a lesbian in school and at home and no one loved me any less.

Senior year roles around and DCF forces me to move out into another placement. It was bad there too they forced me to go to nudist resorts and never feed me. I had to get my own food. Three months later I got to go back to Georgenes after pitching a fit. Then I had seen a movie that forever changed my life ‘Boys Don’t Cry.’ After that I went on the internet and started researching FTM’s. I bought a binder from under works soon after and a packie from mango products. They arrived the same day. I feel silly saying this but when I looked at my flat chest that looked like muscular pectorals and the small bulge in my jeans I felt so excited. It was the first time I felt something was right on me.

After much decision making, research, and reading I came out as being transgenderd. Georgene supported me in full. Most everyone in school too and called me by Taylor. Including this girl I was totally crushing on Amanda. The more male I started to feel the more I started to hate my body and got angry whenever someone called me a girl or Jeana; I recall taking many showers in pitch blackness because seeing my female parts made me feel sick to my stomach. I started to date Amanda and she is so supportive. She uses all male pronouns and calls me Taylor always. On January 25, 2005 it’ll be our one year. I graduated soon after with honors in the top ten of my class.

I struggled so hard to get into colleges but everyone told me to hang back and take my core classes at a community college before I went off to a university. On June 2004 DCF became the YMCA and when I turned 18 on July 3^rd I had to be out of my foster home. I had to return home to my mom. I started college Aug 15, 2004. One month later I had to drop out due to having severe seizures and my mom tried to commit suicide and I missed over a week and I would have made straight F’s so the school advised me to unenroll and try again next term. It’s been hell living with them. I’ve been on the edge many times but I never gave up. I just keep fighting. No one wants to hire me though. Well, no they love me until they see my appearance. My sister blew up my car. I’m being kicked out because the little money I did have ran out. I finally got my letter from my gender counselor to start hormones and I don’t even have near the funds to begin the hormones. I went to reenroll to PHCC for the spring semester and they then informed me I had to pay back my FAFSA money so I worked my butt of to pay it off and I still owe $183 to get back in. I will do whatever it takes to get that money into the school by the due date of January 15, 2005 to begin classes. No matter what’s stood in front of me I’ve always beat society’s odds against me and I’ve accomplished many great obstacles and scholastic awards too. Now my main goal for the future is to settle into my life with my partner and never give up on any of my goals no matter what.

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