KarMel Scholarship 2005
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“Me vs. Gay” By
Jacob Koppenhaver |
Desciption of Submission: “A snyopsis of my feelings as a guy who
likes guys towards the ‘gay community’”. - Jacob
The following sentence
won’t make much sense to a lot of people: I am a guy who likes guys, but I am
not gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to other guys, have romantic
relationships with guys, and nothing of the sort with girls, but I am not gay.
This may be confusing to some, but hopefully by the time this is read
completely, it will be understood more.
I have known of my
attraction to guys over girls for years. Ever since I was young, I always
noticed the males I was around the way growing boys usually notice girls. When
the other fourth grade boys were noticing how little Suzie’s new haircut
looked, I was admiring the smile little Johnny always wore. I’ve always been
comfortable with this attraction, but not known how to express it being that
young. During my middle years as a teenager, I knew what most other people
termed this, and for a while I too found it “gay.” I have realized, however,
that I am not “gay.”
To many people, “gay”
means a guy who likes a guy. Webster’s dictionary even defines it as “Of,
relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.” While
this may describe the attractions I have to other guys, my past relationships
with them, and my desires for future relationships, this does not define me.
Which leads back to the ultimate question: How can one be a guy, have emotional
and physical attractions and relations with other guys instead of girls, and
not gay? To me the answer is simple.
When I first came out,
I had never been exposed to much of the gay community.
I took the word “gay” and said to myself, “This is
what people say it is, therefore I must be.” I read gay-themed magazines, watch
gay movies, read gay books. I absorbed gay culture to the max so that I could
say, “I am gay,” and know that I was. Now, self-identified as gay, I would
enter the world and lead the life of a gay teenager. It was harder to lead that
life than actually admit to myself that I liked guys, due to many interior and
exterior factors. Support was hard to find from both the gay and straight
communities, as well as my family. I soon decided to take action, and I got
involved in activism centered around sexual minority
youth.
For three years, from
ages 15-18, I took part in many local and national programs that worked to
enrich and better the life of GLBTQ youth. I took part in and led many
discussion panels in junior high and high schools that gave the students a
chance to ask open questions about gay youth without fear of reproach from
parents or friends. The experience was, on the whole, satisfying. I was
encouraged to express my feelings, which is healthy, and others were encouraged
to satisfy their curiosity in a constructive and open way. I spoke at national
conferences on these issues, and even founded a statewide high school program
that featured an informational hotline, support groups, and evaluation reports
on already established queer youth resources.
I was never popular in
school. I was too fat, too poor, or too smart for others to get to know. When I
came out, and found others with the same attractions as me, I felt wanted,
almost valued. Being active in the gay community I met many different types of
people representing all sorts of minorities. It comforted me knowing that I was
not the only one being persecuted for something I had no choice over. For a
time, it was good.
Of course, while I
attempted to enrich everyone else’s life, I found my own spiraling downward.
Between my teenage emotions, schoolwork, living in homeless shelters and group
homes, and finding out my estranged mother had cancer, my work in queer youth
activism dwindled until I finally decided not to pursue it anymore. Not only
because of time and emotional constraints, but also because of growing internal
feelings I was having towards the gay community. Many times, looking around, I
once more felt alienated. There are many facets of the gay community—the world
if you look at it—that I consider myself no part of, and I have no desire to be
a part of. Unfortunately, these things are often found in the gay community,
and have become what it is known for, both inside and outside the circle. Due
to these things, I have found it increasingly hard to integrate myself into
such a group, or even get along with them.
One thing I pride
myself on is my sense of morals and responsibility. The difficult thing is that
these morals and responsibilities differ from person to person. While I will
look out unto the world and resolve that I will not use drugs or sex for their
immediately pleasurable sensations, many people are perfectly happy poisoning
their bodies and reducing the physical act of intimacy to that of a handshake
to be shared with all. Drugs and sex have become so commonplace in the gay
community, and I find it interesting that every city I have visited that the
commonly known “gay part of town” is also commonly the known “drug part of
town.” Gay people and drugs go hand in hand. Many people have many theories
over this, often stemming back to the same things: self-acceptance and
happiness.
I don’t seek to
disprove that theory. In fact, I highly believe it to be true. Often when one
is so consumed in those low-level physical urges, ones they cannot seem to have
enough of, that give a temporary ecstatic feeling, the
person will rationalize why they do them in order to continue. I believe that
this is a direct correlation between emotional security and physical
self-abuse. I have been fortunate enough to be comfortable with who I am, and
not fall into those feelings so deeply that I cannot get out, but I know that
many do not have that kind of strength.
This leads us back to
the issue of morals. For some, abuse of drugs are considered ‘use,’ and used to
‘become more in touch with oneself,’ or ‘expand your
mind.’ Sex can be viewed the same way by others. The term ‘free will’ is also
often used by those who partake in things that are against the law, or harmful
to themselves or others. It is different for me, and this is one issue I often
have with saying “I am gay.” I do not want to be associated with the actions of
others. What I do, I believe in. It’s been recommended to me that I should put
my frustrations with the community to use, and take back up the righteous staff
of activism, to let the world know how I feel, and preach the good word about
loving yourself, those around you, and cherishing your mind, body, and spirit.
In a way, that is what I aim to do.
From my time in activism, I have found that
you can fight for people, lay down your life for them, talk, talk, and talk
some more, but you won’t be heard or acknowledged unless the person actually
wants to hear you. They must be at that level in their life where they are open
and receptive to bettering themselves. I have decided long ago that I will
someday take a different route to showing those around me what I believe in,
and helping them realize what they believe in.
From the time I was a
boy I always dreamt of becoming a police officer. Justice is something I
wholeheartedly believe in. Physical justice, social justice, emotional justice,
and criminal justice are all based on the same principle: Ownership. Taking ownership of oneself, actions, and community. I seek
to serve my community in a proactive way, not just talking about what I believe
in, but showing others around me. This is my dream, what I feel I was put here
for. This is not a light feeling, and does not come often in one’s life.
Hopefully this sheds some light on the situation when I proclaim that I am not gay. Yes, I have attractions to guys, emotional and physical relationships with guys, but by all means, I am not “gay.”
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