KarMel Scholarship 2005

“A Lesbian Love Story”

By Anonymous

Desciption of Submission: “A normal love story without confusion.” - Anonymous

I am a romantic - I love to read "how we met" stories and hear the tales of true love that trickle down through the webs of communication. I am also a lesbian, so one would logically conclude that I love lesbian love stories - but one would illogically be wrong. It seems to me that every story I read or hear about that involves a same-sex couple falling in love is about "the first girlfriend" and all those mixed up feelings of confusion and shame for their attraction to someone of *gasp* the same sex. Those are all fine every now and then, but I really can't relate to them at all, I came out before I had my first girlfriend, but more importantly I feel that there are more stories that aren't about the person that helped you delve into your sexuality, but rather the person that you wanted to spend your life with after figuring everything out on your own. I don't see why straight couples are the only ones that can have a "normal" love story. So I’ve decided to add mine to the precious few lesbian love stories that doesn't start with "I had always been secretly attracted to girls, but never thought I would act on it". This is the story of my girlfriend Amy and I.

It was her eyes that first caught my attention - crossed, almost a deep green, with blue eye shadow over them, the sole object in her picture on planetout. My friend Katherine had forced me to create a profile on the dating site a couple weeks after a heart-wrenching breakup. I basically had given up and only really visited the site to read the comics such as "dykes to look out for" and couple of guys", but I decided to search the personals one more time and I noticed something I hadn't before - those eyes. I basically fell then, I should have known it would have been big just from the eyes. They seemed fun loving, but understanding and passionate. I read her profile and my initial thought was "holy crap", her favorite movie was Fight Club, she loved sushi, she never seemed to get what she gave in relationships. The biggest signs that my last relationship wasn't working out involved different tastes in film, the fact that she ordered chicken fingers wherever we went, and the fact that I couldn't tell if she cared about me one way or the other. This profile I was reading while her eyes followed me seemed to be screaming "I AM PERFECT FOR YOU", so I decided to send her a quick message "hi I’m Connie, I’m 17 and I live in Rockville, I thought you seemed interesting we have a lot in common, drop me a line sometime". I'd sent messages before but never gotten a reply, until Amy. She gave me her screen name which was something along the lines of "fall for me", another sign. The first time we talked online we were both doing the exact same thing - studying for a Spanish exam (though I am a few years above her in that class). Everything clicked perfectly when we talked - she turned 18 the day after our first conversation - I liked the fact that I wouldn't be dating someone younger than me by at least a year. She lived about 20 minutes away, which wasn't too bad, and we just matched in a very surreal way. We started talking on the phone after a few weeks and everything was going amazingly. I really didn’t want anything too serious though, so I decided I’d try my hardest to keep it light, despite the fact that I found this girl to be more perfect than anyone I’d ever met before. One of the first couple of nights when we were talking she told me she had to go eat dinner but would call me back later – no big deal I said sure no problem. I waited up all night – till 1 o’clock in the morning – to see if she would call. She has a horrible memory so I figured she lost my number, but I stayed up to see anyway. The next day when talking online I asked her and she admitted she had forgotten, so I gave it to her again and told her to embed it in my mind and call me that night. Again I waited until 1 AM and again there was no phone call. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was, but I decided to give her one last shot. I called her the next afternoon when I was driving to the gym and decided that I would let fate take hold – if she answered the phone and had a legitimate excuse, I’d see how it would go, but if not then I’d forget it – for the first time in any relationship I’ve been in I decided not to get strung along for an emotional roller coaster. Fate took hold and she picked up. And had a good excuse – she had gotten into a huge fight with her mother’s girlfriend and took the dog on a walk to calm down, she had brought her cell phone with my number programmed in it, but it was out of batteries. We talked for 3 hours, I had to go to eat dinner, but I called her back and we talked for another 2. We talked on the phone endlessly from that day and I started getting kind of upset with her for ruining my plan – I really didn’t want to fall for her this hard at all.

We finally decided to go on a date, a few weeks after countless hours on the phone. Her mom and Susan (her mother’s girlfriend) offered to take us out to dinner first to ease awkwardness and so they could meet me first. She picked me up at my house at quarter to 8. I hid in my room, face pressed to the window waiting for her to arrive – my first thoughts when I saw her walk up to my doorway was “please, God, let that be her”. I went downstairs and greeted her and her mother at the door while they said hello to my parents and we walked out to the car. On the sidewalk I whispered in her ear “you’re beautiful”. During all of our talks I never actually saw a picture of her below the neck, and she told me one of her fears would be that I would see her and be repulsed and back out when we met for our date. I wasn’t too scared – I always find unconventional beauty to be the best, but I had no idea what to expect other than knowing she was larger than my ex girlfriend, but not even by how much. She also got her haircut and died since the pictures so I had no idea what she would look like. But the image of her walking up to my porch, looking at the ground a little, with a timid smile etched on her face is what I hold to be the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. Dinner was fun, I was nervous, but I could tell that it was going well and everyone at the table loved my company and I theirs. After our meal we were dropped off at the movie theatre as planned and figured out when to be picked up and such. The car drove off and she asked if I minded if she had a cigarette, she had promised herself that she wouldn’t smoke, but her nerves were killing her – I said no so she went into her purse for her lighter. I edged myself a little closer put my arms around her and kissed her cheek lightly – “I’ve been wanting to do that since your car pulled into my driveway” I stuttered and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a smile that big. We went inside and got tickets for our movie, but it wasn’t for a while so we decided to walk around the lake next to the theatre. Hand in hand – a first for both of us because of closeted girlfriends – we walked along the boardwalk until we noticed a large patch of ice on the sidewalk ahead of us and decided to stick to the boardwalk. When we turned around she pulled me close to her and gave me a much deeper, more passionate kiss before we continued our walk. We ended up on a bridge under a spotlight on the lake – lights from the restaurant reflecting on the water, ducks swimming past, music playing faintly in the background – and the moon illuminating those gorgeous eyes that were pulling me in once more. It seemed surreal, like a romance movie from the 80s, but with two female leads and no confusion about the butterflies in each of our stomachs. At the same time we reached for each other and shared what I consider to be our first real, true kiss under the stars. It could have lasted forever and I wouldn’t have cared a bit, but the movie was starting soon so we had to head into the theatre, the only seats available were in the very front row, but we didn’t care. The movie was actually the worst I’ve ever seen – it was God-awful, no exaggeration. But I really didn’t care because I didn’t spend much time watching it. Not because of anything inappropriate or dirty, but because I had the most amazing girl in the seat next to me and I could not manage to tear my eyes away from her for longer than a second. I spent the entire movie wrapped around her arm while we stared into each other’s eyes promising each other we’d catch the other when we landed from this hard fall. After the movie we sat in the theatre for about 10 minutes cuddling and not wanting to leave at all.

Later that night – after walking me to the doorstep and having our goodnight kiss, we were talking online and Amy asked me to be her girlfriend. And as much as it will shock you – I declined. Now, an explanation – every relationship I’ve been in I have rushed. Every relationship I’ve been in has also been doomed from the start because of me rushing it. There was something about Amy, something that I still cannot describe, but I didn’t want our relationship to end up like mine have in the past. I never have been a fan of love at first sight (and I don’t know if it applies because we talked long before we saw each other), but if love at first sight has occurred only once in all of the existence of the universe – it occurred the split second I saw Amy’s eyes staring at me from the depths of the internet. It might sound weird, corny, or dorky to say it; but my feelings for Amy were strong enough for me not to rush it. Normally I have strong feelings and I act on them which results in my heartache a little later, but with Amy my feelings were stronger than that and I realized that I couldn’t rush it with her because she was so unlike any girl I’d ever met. So I explained to her. Not just that I didn’t want to rush it, but why and more importantly that I knew she was the girl for me and that I was crazy for her and I could not see myself dating anyone but her. But I shouldn’t date anyone, even her, for a little bit because only fools rush in. She actually said that that answer probably meant more to her than if I had said yes.

So we went without titles – She was my Amy, my baby, my everything but a girlfriend. But I didn’t think it was right, I kicked myself repeatedly for saying no – she made me happier than anyone ever has. That Friday I got a pink stuffed rabbit in the mail that when I squeezed it said, “when I look into your eyes, I thank God that I’m alive. You’re amazing”, in Amy’s recorded voice – a Valentines Day gift that came a day early and I knew what I should do. The next day when I picked her up to take her to her little brothers basketball game I put pink roses in her seat of my car (pink’s her favorite color), I also put a stuffed gorilla that said “be mine” and a note that said “you’re all I can think about, will you be my girlfriend? If yes kiss me, if no kiss me”. She kissed me and said yes before she even read her options.

Amy was not my first girlfriend – nor was I hers. My friends and family all knew I was gay before I even met her – as did hers. Our relationship is not special or miraculous because we are both girls, but because we’re both more in love than anyone has been before. I truly believe that any kiss that has happened between two people before that bridge was a prelude to ours and any after it is just an attempt to achieve what we have. This is a lesbian love story that with a few changed names and pronouns could be a heterosexual love story – I really don’t see a difference between the two. All I see is Amy – the love of my life.

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