KarMel Scholarship 2004

Best Fictional Story

“To Each her Own”

By Shari Levine, NY

Desciption of Submission: “My submission is a short story that deals with LGBT issues.” – Shari

Why Karen and Melody Liked It: It was an interesting story dealing with princess and knights. It was very well written. It flowed smoothly from scene to scene. The ending was very interesting as well.

A solitary figure stood in the bedroom of a foreign inn. It was early morning, even before sunrise. A single candle burned to the side; the light reflected in a body length mirror, glinting off of the scissors in the figure’s hand. The figure lifted the scissors to its hair, snipping off one long, red piece. It fell to the floor, laying, writhing, dying, reflecting the thoughts of its master.

The figure looked up from the hair, gazing into the mirror, a resolute look staring back. I’m dying, the figure thought. Society will be proud. Their freak is dying.

The blemish of society, the outcast, the freak; the figure was not even sure who was dying anymore. It had been called so many things that a real name was now foreign. And all because she was not like them. That was their excuse. They used to say she was a freak because of her feelings. They used to say they were better than her, than that. They used to say that society changed for the better, that it evolved from those horrible days of crime, pollution, and racism to the simpler days of working and just living a good life. They also sometimes used to call her Kianna, when they were not being too particularly mean. Kianna, the freak.

“But she’s dead now,” a voice said, the figure surprised to hear that it came from its own mouth. That girl with the long, red hair and the piercing green eyes was gone, destroyed forever.

The people of society, Kianna used to say, were the ones who drove her to self destruction. The figure thought of this as another piece of long red hair fell to the ground. She used to tell people that society reverted back to a time that was more corrupt than what it was trying to escape. She used to tell people that the world made a huge mistake in 2190 to abandon their machines and their electricity just to live as if it were 1490.

“How stupid were they?!” the figure exclaimed, cutting off the hair with anger and shaking hands. “These people eradicated disease. They eradicated crime. They eradicated greed because they eradicated the need for money as barter.” More hair fell. “How could they do all that and still desire to live as if it were the Middle Ages? To make life simpler? So they can have the self-satisfaction of doing their own work rather than having machines do it for them?” She scoffed. “They couldn’t even make the transition, properly, those idiots! We live the same way people lived 200 years ago minus the tolerance we prided ourselves for, and then they have the nerve to chastise me for my beliefs when they throw away leisure for work without even making a correct transition! The decision was stupid! Totally and utterly stupid!”

The figure stood there, chest rising and falling quickly, pulse and breath quickened by the fury it felt.

But what did it matter what Kianna thought? All that mattered was that she was dead. All that mattered was that the 19-year-old woman society thought it was helping was gone. All that mattered was that in her place there was a new person. “Maybe you’ll be accepted by society this time,” the figure whispered to the reflection as the last clump of hair fell from its head. The figure sized the job up, approving of the new hairstyle, of the new person. “Maybe you’ll be loved for who you are, this time. Unfortunately, Kianna had to die for you, but that’s the price you pay for acceptance, isn’t it? Maybe this time Andrew can live the life Kianna was never able to live.”

That was the only way a person could survive in a society like this. In a place where creative thought, liberal thinking, and independent character were stifled, a person either had to conform or be branded a freak. So Kianna changed. Rather than wear her homosexuality as a title on her forehead, destined to make her an outcast, she changed her identity to fit her needs. And no one ever noticed or cared that she was gone. All they cared about was that she had left. All they cared about was that their city was no longer tainted with the archaic and unnatural ideas their ancestors had endorsed.

The figure, now named Andrew, pursed her lips and looked at herself in the mirror. She was still wearing a long nightshirt and baggy pants. Her chest stuck out minutely through the shirt. Some parts of Kianna must die hard, she thought, frowning as she looked for tape. She did not have a big bust, but it was enough to raise attention if she was going to be a man from now on. Taping herself down, grimacing at the slight pain it caused her, she replaced her shirt and moved around, trying to look natural. Short hair and no chest, but the same damned feminine face. She almost cried from frustration as she threw the tape and scissors to the floor. Suck it up, Andrew. You’re a man now. You can’t cry.

She stood there for many moments, calming herself down, squeezing her fists tightly and closing her eyes. Finally, she took a deep breath and blinked her eyes open, their line of sight falling onto the clothes and armor that was laid out upon her bed. Quickly dressing herself and slipping into the newly made, badly fitted armor, adjusting the straps and locks to fit her build, she looked at herself in the mirror again, hoping the clothes changed her appearance.

Even in the armor you look like a girl, she thought, tears welling in her eyes once more. Maybe you should just stop. Maybe this was a bad idea. You could be straight if you really tried. Just…imagine a woman instead of a man when you’re in a relationship. They’d call it a miracle. They’d say their abuse was worth it, because, “look, you’re normal again.”

Tears ran down her cheeks as she thought of this, adjusting the armor through sheer discomfort. Just stop it, she commanded herself, wiping the tears from her eyes. You’re being such a woman. Look. She looked towards the mirror as her thoughts told her to. See, you’re just being foolish. This is the right thing to do. No one will question your looks. You look enough like a man. Didn’t they always say you looked mannish when you were Kianna?

She looked at herself, scrutinizing her appearance, seeing whether what she thought was true. No, no, you’re right. You’re just being a woman. Agreeing with her thoughts, she smiled to herself. You know, you actually do look like a man with the broad shoulders and all.

Giving herself one last look, she nodded her head once and smiled as she went about picking up the tape and scissors that were on the floor, placing them back into the bag she had taken with her, and cleaning up the hair from the floor.

By the time she was done and had thrown away the last remains of Kianna, the sun had risen and the candle had burnt out. She made her bed and slung the backpack over her shoulder.

Andrew made her way downstairs and out of the inn, thankful no one was in the room to see her leave. She had definitely become more masculine looking since the day before she entered and she could not have anyone questioning her looks. She needed a fresh start. She had traveled to different city under a different name and she needed people to believe she was a man to be happy. No, not believe- know she was a man. It was not only critical to her happiness that they believe this, but critical to her plans.

The city she traveled to was not a random city, but a city that was looking for a knight to protect the royal family there. Andrew was not a real knight by any means, (nor was the family really royal, but just the family elected to rule the city) but she possessed many knight-like qualities, including weapons skills and morals. To her, that made her a knight in every sense of the word. That was all that mattered and so she signed up for an interview with the royal family the night before. It was scheduled for that morning.

Time arriving for the interview, Andrew entered the recently built castle, its huge stature sticking out like a sore thumb among all the apartment buildings. The grand hall was empty, making her steps echo loudly, bouncing off the stone walls and the objects within. Awed by everything within the castle, Andrew took a good look around. In front of her was a grand staircase that led upstairs to a gigantic wooden brown door. To the right of the staircase was a long hallway, windows lining the walls, doors littering the sides farther down. To her left, a sign read:

~Interviewees, please wait. We shall call you as scheduled.~

She looked around, not knowing where to wait, but soon she caught sight of a dark-colored wooden bench to her right against the wall. Andrew clanked through the hall and sat down on the bench, then took off her backpack. She drew a sigh. For someone who was going through a crucial interview, she was unusually relaxed. Maybe it was because she knew that if this job did not work, she could always just find another job. Metalworking looked like a nice challenge. It would certainly develop her muscles, and despite the equal rights society claimed to support, metalworking had a more masculine touch to it. No one would suspect her if she had a man’s job.

“Andrew Boatman?” a deep voice called suddenly. Andrew quickly shot her head towards the staircase. A man guard in gold plated armor stood by the stairs, reading from a browned piece of rolled parchment.

“Yes, sir?” Andrew replied, standing up.

The guard stared dryly at the new applicant. “Please follow me.”

Doing as the guard requested, Andrew slung the backpack over her shoulder and followed the man up the stairs.

“Sir Andrew Boatman,” the guard announced as they entered the doors at the top, his arm holding the door open for Andrew. Inside sat The King of the city, his wife, and their young, newborn son, being softly cradled by the mother. The family was beautiful.

Andrew noticed this all very well, and though many people at this point would have walked in meekly to pay their tribute to the royal family, her stance was not meek at all. Rather, it was drawing. Her stride was sure and her shoulders were straight, her eyes looking into the eyes of her would-be employers directly.

“I see we have a confident one,” the mother commented with a smile on her face.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Andrew said, still looking her in the eye as she stopped to stand before them. “I was always told to be sure of myself when doing anything.”

“No need to apologize, knight,” The King replied, a twinkle in his eyes. “Confidence is a virtue you should hold dearly. Too few have it these days.”

Andrew smiled and nodded her head once.

“So now, Mr. Boatman,” The King went on to say. “Please tell us your qualifications and why you wish to hold this position.”

Andrew had the most incredible urge to repeat the question over out of habit, but stopped before she could. Be sure of yourself. They like your confidence. “My qualifications include the ability to wield a sword, the ability to shoot a bow, the ability to ride bareback, and the honor of living by The Knight’s Code,” she responded.

“You live by The Code?” The Queen asked, genuinely astonished.

Andrew nodded her head. Though she had only been living by it for a month, she still lived by it all the same. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Not many knights do that.” The King raised an eyebrow. “Some say they find it…too difficult.”

“Too difficult?” Andrew asked. “How is it difficult? It’s a promise to uphold the law, to follow your employer, and to be chivalrous. Where’s the difficulty in that?”

The King laughed. “I have no idea, knight. But I am glad you live by it and have these feelings. Please, though, tell us why you wish to hold this position.”

Because if I don’t, I will become an outcast again, she thought.

“I chose to apply because it is an honorable one,” Andrew replied instead.

“That is the only reason?” The Queen asked. Andrew nodded her head, unsure of what else to say.

“Well then, my dear,” The Queen said, cutting the interview short, “it was a pleasure to hear from you. If we accept your application, we will let you know by nightfall.”

Andrew bowed her head and left the room quickly. Her armor clanked loudly as she left.

“I see our new knight has returned,” The King said smiling as Andrew entered the room at the top of the stairs.

The knight was stunned. Her face was pale and her mouth tried to form words, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not get anything out. She had been accepted. She was chosen for one of the most admirable jobs in the city. Andrew Boatman was the newest knight in the city and now she had no idea what to say.

“It was an honor to be chosen for this position,” Andrew finally said, regaining enough brainpower to form words, so happy she was practically beaming. He was the only one in the room besides the guard and herself.

The King nodded his head, smiling. “I am glad you think so. But…”

Just as The King was in mid-sentence, a door to the right of the room slammed open. A girl of about 18 entered, golden brown hair flowing down her back, the sight of her causing Andrew’s mouth to go dry. She was beautiful. She looked angry, her face flushed with her fury, but that only made her radiance greater. The girl stormed across the room to her father, bending down to whisper into her father’s ear. She was wearing a long, soft brown dress, reflecting the style of the Middle Ages that society wished to mirror. It fit her perfectly. It complimented everything about her; her hair, her blue eyes, her cherry red lips. Everything. Andrew could only stare as she spoke angrily with her father, but as soon as The King started speaking again, she pried her eyes away.

“Andrew,” The King said, pride sparkling in his eyes, “meet my daughter, Jillie.”

“Jillian,” his daughter corrected, her cheeks remaining flushed.

“Pl…pleasure to meet you,” Andrew replied, mouth still dry, eyes glued to the girl in the center of the room.

Jillian looked at Andrew with curiosity, then swiftly turned her head to her father, her hair following her movement. “Will it be taken care of?” she asked in a whisper.

“Yes, my dear,” The King replied. “As soon as I get done with Andrew.”

“What needs to be done?” Jillian asked with annoyance, still whispering. “He’s a knight. I’m sure he’ll understand if you have more important matters to take care of.”

The King looked at Andrew, then back to his daughter, a resigned face on his look. “Fine, fine. Jillie, can you please show our new knight around and get him acquainted with his new living spaces?”

Jillian smiled, a triumphant smile on her face. “Of course! Come, my good knight.” She walked over briskly to Andrew, taking his hand within hers. “While my father does whatever he needs to do, I’ll show you around.” With that, she blew a kiss to her father and left the room, pulling Andrew behind her. As soon as they were out of earshot, though, Jillian’s face flushed again with anger.

“G-d, can you believe him!” she exclaimed as they were walking down the hall that ran to the right of the stairs.

“Believe who, princess?” Andrew asked, her hand being painfully squished in Jillian’s.

“That guy my father wants me to marry in two months. Prince…Prince Yourmother or something like that.” She snorted, letting go of Andrew’s hand. “I feel like I’m being insulted every time he says his name.”

“I’m sure he’s not that bad,” Andrew offered, walking up next to the princess rather than just following.

“Oh no?” She scoffed, her cheeks still radiating with the blushed fury she felt before. “He’s as good as society is tolerant of people who aren’t like them.”

Andrew nearly choked when Jillian said that, but soon regained composure and said nothing in reply. What was there to say that would not either get her in trouble or make her new employers wary of who they hired?

The princess soon grew bored of the silence, though.

“So tell me, knight,” Jillian said, opening a door to the right of the hall when they reached the end. “Are you hungry?” Appropriate to the question, the door they just went through led them into a kitchen that was completely gray. There was a single window to the right and another door on the back wall, but other than that, the room was bland and boring.

Andrew’s stomach growled. “Well…”

“Yes?” Jillian smiled and looked into a slightly large icebox. “Good. So am I.” Slamming the door shut, she carried out two plates, some bread, some jelly, and some peanut butter. “Now eat up.”

Andrew smiled and followed the princess’s order thoroughly. Apparently the knight was not the only one who followed orders thoroughly, though. After their short supper, Jillian had insisted on showing Andrew the whole castle, room-by-room, inch-by-inch; she gave an meticulous tour like she was supposed to, but that did not mean Andrew was any less tired when it ended.

Logically, the last part of the tour was where the knight’s room was, and so when it ended, the knight had only to turn the doorknob in order to be able to get some well deserved rest.

Andrew, thankful that she was now in her room, closed the door and crashed onto her new bed, her elbows resting on her knees, her head buried in her hands. She did not even take a look around to see what the room looked like. It did not matter. She was tired and she wanted sleep. So long as there was a bed, she was content.

Might as well get undressed, though, she thought to herself as she ran a hand through her hair. Can’t sleep in your clothes, now can you? The King would think you were a poor and dirty knight who didn’t deserve the job.

Sighing at the morose thought and summoning up all the strength she could find, she took off her shoes, her shirt, and her pants, and threw them into the corner, slipping into her nightshirt when she was done.

As she did so, there came a knock on her door. Crap, she thought to herself as her head jerked to the source of the sound. She looked around desperately for something to cover her body so as not to reveal her feminine figure, and wound up dragging the cover off the bed. Not so thoroughly wrapped, she opened the door to find Jillian on the other side.

“I hope I’m not interrupting you,” she said, staring slightly at the sight of the person before her.

“Oh, no, it’s okay,” Andrew replied, clutching the covers which had started slipping. “What’s the problem?”

Jillian bit her lip. “I…I just forgot to tell you before that traditional wakeup is at 7:30 and breakfast is at 8:30.”

Andrew nodded her head and clutched at the covers one last time. “Thank you. Goodnight.” And with that, she quickly shut the door. The covers fell a second later.

G-d, she’s going to think you blew her off, Andrew reprimanded herself, groaning slightly. She walked over to her bed, the cover dragging on the floor, and threw it onto her pillows. Good job, Andy. It’s the first day on the job and already you made a bad impression with the princess.

Thoroughly frustrated, she re-made her bed. Now not only is she going to tell The King you’re rude, but now she won’t like you. Andrew climbed into bed thinking this, staring up at the ceiling, her hands folded behind her head. But that’s not a bad thing, right? Your job, according to what you interviewed for, is to protect the royal family, not to make a princess like you. Why should her opinion matter then? Andrew’s heart gave a slight thud at the thought and she swallowed, closing her eyes for a brief second to calm herself. When she opened her eyes, her gaze rested on the gray colored ceiling.

Despite the ceiling being the same color as the rest of the building, though, it seemed so much more brilliant at that moment than at anytime else. Andrew slowly started feeling euphoric. The doubts crept away from her mind as she stared at the ceiling, the day’s events rushing past her. She felt as if that day were just a dream, as if nothing that happened was real. The new identity, the job, the family. It was all perfect. And the job seemed easy enough to do. The family was wonderful and the princess was a lovely girl. She was smart, beautiful, charming; she was perfect.

Any prince would be so lucky to have her, she thought to herself, her heart beating wildly again. Or maybe any princess would be lucky? Andrew laughed. Yea, nice thought. The princess is really gay and no one knows. There’s as much a chance of that happening as there is of me getting the princess. Her heart seemed to beat louder. What a day that would be, though. Me slipping my hand around Jillian’s waist, her father never knowing, her giggling, and an angry prince somewhere in the castle, knowing I’m trying to steal his prized possession. Andrew smiled mischievously and turned over again, closing her eyes to go to sleep. What an amazing day that would be. Her heart was now thudding louder than before, and she was afraid it would wake up the guards in the neighboring rooms. She took a deep breath and sighed to calm her wildly beating heart down, still grinning. G-d, you’re such a mischief maker. She laughed at herself. But go to sleep, Andy. You need your energy to impress your new employers tomorrow.

As if listening to her own thoughts, her beats slowed and she yawned as exhaustion slowly crept over her. She gave one last mischievous smile before the energy flowed completely out of her, but it soon disappeared. She fell asleep a few minutes later.

Andrew felt slapped. Her mind swam. Her eyes could not lock onto objects. She laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to get her mind on track. Just a few minutes ago, The King had seen her and now that he was gone, Andrew felt like her world had taken a turn for the impossible. The King thinks I can work miracles, she told herself, clenching her fists, unable to discern whether she was frustrated or scared. I’m supposed to save a suicidal princess? Because she’s a potential social outcast? But I’m basically a social outcast myself!

Andrew groaned and looked over to the clock, saw the minute hand resting comfortably on the bold “6” and the hour hand resting on the just as bold “7,” and hoisted herself up. She was already dressed, showered, and awake, so all she had to do was leave the room, but somehow, she seemed so hesitant to do anything. Save the princess, save the princess. She shook her head and left the room, closing the door behind her. I can’t even save myself. How am I going to save a princess?

The hall smelled like archaic cologne, The King’s trademark scent, but Andrew did not notice. She was too self absorbed in her thoughts. The job she had really applied for was the one she was given that morning; to save the princess. Why hadn’t he told the applicants the real job in the first place, though? Was he trying to hide it? Why? Because the knights would not apply then?

Because it’s just as socially taboo to need help as it is to be gay, that’s why, she told herself, biting a lip. Unless a person is normal in all respects, they’re as good as dead. He’s only trying to save her reputation.

Andrew sighed, turning a corner. And now it’s your job to make the princess happy. How the hell am I supposed to do that?

She stopped walking and stood in the middle of the hallway, her eyes closed. Befriend her, fool, she seemed to reply to herself from out of nowhere. When you were ready to throw yourself into a river, didn’t you want a friend? That was the only thing you wanted really. So be her friend. Listen to her. You may not be as good as a psychiatrist, but you can certainly help.

Pursing her lips, she opened her eyes again. She was not sure where the thought came from, but it really did not matter. She had a good idea now. Nodding her head resolutely, she started walking confidently towards the kitchen again.

When she got there, though, no one was in the room. Pursing her lips and wondering whether she was in the right place or not, she entered through the door on the other end of the room.

“Dear knight!” The Queen exclaimed as she saw the entry of Andrew. The door she had entered through led into a large dining room, the guards and the “royal family” sitting together, eating their breakfast of eggs and cereal. “Please, take a seat. Pour yourself some cereal.”

Andrew was momentarily intimidated by the amount of people in the room, but she soon ignored the fifteen faces and took a seat. This was nothing like she expected, but it was still wonderful. She expected for the royal family and the guards to sit at separate tables to show their different roles in society, but everyone sat together and spoke together. She smiled to herself. I think from now on I’m going to like breakfasts.

“I hate breakfasts,” someone grumbled from behind her as if to oppose her thoughts. “I don’t understand why I have to wake up so early...”

“We’ve gone through this before, Jillie,” The King said, nodding a hello to Andrew when the knight had entered. “We all eat together because eating separately makes us seem…
“Above everyone else.” Jillian sat down across from Andrew and grabbed the cereal box, rolling her eyes. “I know. You’ve made a point of telling this to me over and over.”

“Well apparently, you still forget or else you wouldn’t be so against the idea of eating breakfast with us,” her father replied, scooping a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

“I oppose the idea because I want to sleep,” Jillian mumbled.

“I’m sure all the guards have the same sentiments, dear,” her mother told her, “but we can’t all get what we want.”

Jillian grumbled and ate her food, looking sour and disheveled, hair sticking out through the French braid that was intertwined her hair.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, princess,” Andrew said, whispering so neither The King nor Queen would hear her, “I’m really not one for breakfasts either.”

The princess looked up at the knight, her expression dry. “Well, then we’re both stuck, I guess.”

“It’s not that bad, though, is it?” the knight continued. “I mean it’s kind of pleasant compared to not having anyone to eat with.”

She did not even look up this time. “I guess.”

Andrew frowned, disappointed with the curt response she got from the princess, but continued to eat her food anyway. Almost immediately after, though, the princess spoke up again.

“Well, knight,” Jillian said, wiping her hands in a napkin beside her and standing up. “It was pleasant complaining with you, but I must go on a trip to the city.”

“Don’t you have school?” Andrew replied.

Jillian shrugged. “My parents don’t care…”

“Go to school, Jillie,” The Queen said forcefully, giving a spoonful of food to the baby on her lap.

“But…”

Her mother glared. “Go to school.”

Jillian glared back and threw her napkin onto the table. “Well, knight, I guess I can’t go after all.”

“I guess not,” Andrew replied, frowning slightly. “Where do you go to school, though?”

“A school called Hawthorne; it’s about a ten minute walk away.”

“If you’d like, after school, I’ll meet you there.”

She laughed at Andrew, the sound biting at the knight’s feelings. “What for?”

“Because I have nothing better to do.”

“Doesn’t my father want you to run some sort of errand?” Jillian asked.

“I gave him the day off to adjust,” The King offered, looking calm. Lying must have been his strong suit because the lie came out of his mouth most naturally.

Jillian pursed her lips. “So on your day off you want to be with some rude and obnoxious princess?”

“Well, if there’s nothing else to do…” Andrew shrugged.

“Dressed in your armor?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think so. I’m not going to have a body guard if I don’t need one.”

“So I won’t dress in my armor.”

Jillian looked skeptically at Andrew, pursing her lips, then biting them as she thought. “Why are you so anxious to meet me anyway?” she finally asked, her eyes formed into a curious glare.

“I said before that I had nothing to do.”

“That’s your reason?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“Not really.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow, then shrugged and got up. “Fine, princess. You don’t have to believe me. I’ll find something else to keep myself occupied today.” Giving her hands a last wipe with the napkin, she stood up and bowed her head to everyone still sitting. She then turned around and left the room, going into the kitchen and entering the main hall.

She was nervous. Her armor clanked in the hallway and resonated into her ears. She could not believe she just stormed out of the room, but her doing that was for the best. With any luck, her suspicions of the princess would be correct and Jillian would soon come running after her.

“Hey, Andrew, wait up,” someone called from behind the knight. Andrew grinned and turned around. She knew it. She knew this would happen. It was the exact same thing she used to do when she was a social outcast herself. She needed friends, but she would push away the ones she had. She would push their buttons until they got upset with her. But it was not like she wanted to hurt her friends. It was just a natural reflex from always being abused. The princess, she guessed, would be the same way.

“If you really want to meet me,” the princess said, “I get out at 1:30.”

“But I thought you said I’d be a body guard,” the knight replied.

“Oh, will you stop being such an ass?” Jillian asked, laughing. “You’re bored and I have no friends. Just meet me at 1:30, okay?”

Andrew shrugged. “OK. See you then, princess.”

“See you.” She turned around and started walking away towards the exit of the castle, but before she left, she turned around and shouted, “And by the way, call me Jillie.”

Andrew showed up at Hawthorne, dressed in the new clothes she found in the wardrobe in her room, fifteen minutes early. She had no idea how to get to the school, but she asked for directions frequently and somehow found her way there. Her red hair glinted in the sunlight, her eyes reflecting the sparkles in her hair. It was not everyday she got to meet a girl at school and walk her home. It may have been her employer, but the experience made Andrew feel very good.

“There you are,” Jillie said as she walked out of school with her books carried neatly in one hand. “I expected you to be late.”

“Why?” Andrew asked, turning to walk beside the princess.

“I thought my father would give you some sort of last minute errand to do.” She shrugged, shoving the books into Andrew’s arms.

The knight smirked and adjusted the books until they were no longer spilling out of her arms. “Yea, well, I expect to have a light work load.”

“I doubt that,” Jillie commented, smiling, amused at Andrew’s trouble with the books. “He hired you to make sure I don’t hurt myself, didn’t he?”

Andrew paled slightly. “No…”

“Oh, stop lying to me,” Jillie commanded. “I know it. I heard him and mother speaking about it before they started interviewing other knights.”

“And…and you don’t mind me hanging around you?” Andrew asked.

The princess shrugged. “Do I have a choice? Besides, you seem nice enough. Anyone who can put up with me has to be.”

Andrew laughed. “I completely agree.”

The princess glared for a moment, then smiled, rolling her eyes and pushing the loose strands out of her face. “So, yes, knight. How do you plan on getting me to be normal?”

“I don’t.” Andrew bit a lip, shifting the books in her arms slightly. “I don’t want you to be normal.”

“My father definitely would not like to hear that,” the princess replied. “He thinks he hired someone who would do their job.”

Andrew’s head shook. “No, no, I’m going to do my job, but being normal has nothing to do with that. I’m just going to help you deal with…the things about yourself that makes you better than the people around you.”

“Oh?” Jillie asked. “Being neurotic is being better than the people around you?”

“No,” Andrew replied, “but you’re definitely a lot smarter than the people I’ve ever known. And since many people can’t handle that, it makes you neurotic.”

Jillie laughed. “You sound neurotic yourself.”

“Yes, well.” Andrew shrugged, noticing they were nearing the castle. “Maybe I’m not totally normal either.”

Jillie looked at the knight skeptically, an eyebrow raised, then smiled and pushed open the door that led into the castle. “Maybe you won’t be such a horrible bodyguard after all.”

“That’s what I’m aiming for, princess,” Andrew replied, pleased with Jillie’s approval of her.

The princess smiled, but then shook her head as they entered the castle. “Listen, Andy, I have a load of homework to do. Once I’m done with my math homework, I’ll take a break and find you to show you that I’m still alive, okay?”

“Princess…” Andrew shook her head.

“You need to make sure I’m still alive or else daddy will be very upset.”

“And I’ll know when to come down because…”

Jillie smiled. “You’ll know.” With that, she turned around and walked off towards the kitchen. Andrew was left staring after her, feeling completely dazed and not knowing quite why.

It did not take long for Andrew to find out what the princess meant about “knowing” when to come down, though. All it meant was that the princess would knock on Andrew’s door and ask her to come down. So Andrew did; she entered the kitchen once downstairs and took a seat next to the princess at the kitchen countertop.

“I’m bored,” Jillian declared a second later.

“As am I,” Andrew replied

“So we’re both bored.”

“Good deduction.”

Jillian laughed lightly and looked down, her homework staring back at her. “You know, if you ever want to pick me up from school, you don’t need to ask me.”

“What?” Andrew asked, taken off guard.

“I said you can pick me up from school tomorrow.”

“Is that a demand or an invite?”

“Do you want to?” Jillian asked.

“I don’t mind,” Andrew started to reply.

“But do you want to?”

Andrew pursed her lips. “Sure.”

Jillian smiled, her eyes lighting up. “Good, then. It’s settled. But for now, you can tell me about yourself.”

Andrew swallowed. “What do you want to know?”
“Well, let’s start from where you were born,”  she suggested, smiling mischievously. 
Biting a lip and looking somewhat pale, Andrew recounted a fake account of her existence.  She felt horrible about doing that, though.  Not only did it go against her morals to lie, but it went against the rules of The Code.  She could not follow The Code, though, unless she lied so no matter what, she was out of luck.

The princess wasn’t impressed with the story, though, despite how painful it was for Andrew to lie.  Sure, Jillian’s parents might have thought her qualifications for becoming a knight were good enough, but the princess’s expectations were much higher and Andrew knew it. 

“Well, I’m sorry I can’t live up to what you expect,” Andrew said when she saw Jillian’s frown.
“Don’t be sorry, Andy.”  Jillian shrugged.  “My parents think you’re wonderful.”
“But you don’t and you’re more of my employer than your parents.”
The princess scoffed.  “I am not your employer.”
“Oh no?”  Andrew asked.  “If you don’t like me then my job won’t work and I’m fired anyway.”
“And if I do?”  Jillian replied, a flirtatious look on her face.
“Well…then I guess I still have my job.”
“…Oh.” The princess pursed her lips, her face reddening slightly. “So this is only a job for you then? Obtaining my friendship is only your job?”  She smiled bitterly and stood up.  “What a wonderful incentive.  Well, then knight, I think I have to go.”
“No, no, Jillie, wait.”  The knight stood up as well.  “I didn’t mean it like that.  I mean, I did mean it like that…but.”
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”  She smiled that same bitter smile, digging a hole in Andrew’s chest.  “I understand completely.  Everyone else has treated me like I’m some emotionless pawn, why shouldn’t you?”
“You’re not an emotionless pawn,”  Andrew declared in response

“And you expect me to believe that?”  Jillian asked, laughing harshly.  “You’d say that just so I didn’t get offended so you could keep your precious job!  You’re exactly like everyone else. You’re selfish and you’re only using me for your own purposes.  Why do you think Daddy got me a knight instead of a doctor?  Because I would become some sort of outcast?”  She laughed again.  “It’s so people don’t think he’s an outcast so next election people will vote for him again.”
Andrew’s heart ached more than her palms, which had indentations where her fingers clutched tightly. Her mouth opened to reply, but words did not come out. She felt like a fish out of water.

“See, even you can’t argue that,” the princess said a second later. Andrew could have if she was just able to form a response, but nothing she thought of seemed appropriate to say.

Finally, though, Jillie shook her head and sighed, the anger flowing out of her to be replaced with sadness. “Just say something already.”

No matter how hard she tried, however, Andrew could not form words. She hated herself so much. Why couldn’t she help when she had the perfect opportunity to?

Crashing from the silence, Jillian sighed and sat back down, her cheeks flushed and her eyes slightly red. She put her head in her hands and took deep, long breaths. “I hate my life,” she whispered, barely loud enough for Andrew to hear.

“Please don’t say that,” Andrew pleaded, finally able to speak, her heart aching stronger.

“Why not? Everyone hates me except for a knight that barely knows me.”

“There’s nothing to hate.”

Jillian laughed bitterly, taking her head out of her hands. “If you knew me at all you wouldn’t say that.”

“I do know you and I still don’t hate you,” Andrew replied.

Jillian pursed her lips, looking at the knight, staring as if to see whether she really told the truth or not. The princess’s cheeks were still flushed. She was beautiful. “I…I have to be getting back to my work,” she finally said, as if arriving to an unpleasant conclusion.

“See you at supper?” the knight asked, her chest feeling hollow, angry with herself for not knowing how to help the princess.

Jillian nodded her head. “See you at supper.”

The knight smiled faintly and took a deep breath. With that, she left the room.

“You’re late,” Jillian said happily as Andrew went to meet her by school. She gave her a big hug and shoved her books into the knight’s arms.

“Well, I think I did pretty good for myself lately. This is the first time I’m late since I started picking you up from school,” Andrew replied, taking her books as usual.

Jillian’s face turned dry. “It’s been a week.”

“So?”

“So…” Jillian was ready to reply, but she just sighed and shook her head, smiling and waving goodbye to a friend before the two started walking home.

“Yea, well, I could always just not pick you up,” Andrew retorted.

Jillian rolled her eyes. “You’d love to do that, wouldn’t you? Just stay in the castle all day, talk to my mom, spy on my family.”

“Oh, of course. Because I’d so much rather spend time with your family than you.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised.” Jillian winked and kept walking. The castle was in view and both wanted to get home. For one reason or another, unless they took the scenic route home, they did not like being outside.

“Jillie?” a voice called as soon as both knight and princess entered the castle. “Jillie?”

“Coming, father,” Jillian replied. She turned to Andrew quickly. “Andy, can you do me a huge favor? Can you go put my books in the kitchen and meet me in the common room?”

“What room?” Andrew asked.

“The room at the top of the stairs. Daddy sounds mad and I don’t want to piss him off by making him wait.” Jillian hastily turned away and ran up the stairs, her hands clutching at her dress so she would not trip on it, the end flowing behind her. Andrew, unsure as to why The King would be upset, went to the kitchen as quickly as possible and came back to the common room just as fast, stopping right outside. If The King was upset with Jillie, it could not be a good sign.

“What is this?!” The King asked angrily as he shook a piece of paper into the air. Andrew, not wanting to interrupt The King’s anger, stood outside the room and listened by the door.

“What’s what?” Jillian asked, trying to see the paper.

“It’s a poem. I found this on your bed. You…”

“You’ve been stooping into my stuff?!” the princess exclaimed, tearing the paper from The King’s hand and crumpling it into a ball. “I can’t believe you went sneaking through my room!”

“It is not your room. It is my castle thus it is my room. As long as you live with me, you live in my house. Now explain the poem!”

“It was a poem. A stupid poem. It meant nothing.”

“It had better mean nothing!”

“Will you stop yelling?” Jillie asked, her face pale.

The King’s face flushed with anger. “I will not! To think my daughter feels this way; if I find out this is true, I swear to G-d, Jillie, you’re gone.”

“It’s not true…” The princess’s face was pale. “It was a stupid poem. Some poem I copied in school.”

“Then you read this abomination in school?!” The King went on to yell.

“No, no, I found it on the floor and copied it…”

“If I find out you’re not telling the truth…”

“I am.”

The King glared at his daughter, then waved his hand and dismissed her out of the room.

Jillie glared back and left the room, her face pale and her hands shaking, her eyes turning red as she left. She did not even notice Andrew as she walked out, or if she did, she made no move to regard the knight.

Andrew followed her down the stairs and gently took her wrist at the bottom. “Jillie…”

“What?” she asked angrily.

“You…you told me to meet you.”

She looked at the knight with a blank stare, then closed her eyes and shook her head. “You can leave if you want. I don’t think my dad will like it if I don’t do my work. Not that he cares.”

“I think he does…”

“He cares about the wrong things.” She crumpled the paper in her fist even further.

“What do you mean?” Andrew asked, playing stupid.

“Oh, you heard the conversation.” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t pretend you didn’t.”

“I didn’t understand it, though,” Andrew replied, wanting to see the poem that The King was so angry over.

The princess, knowing what Andrew wanted, rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to see the poem. All you need to know is that my father wants to kick me out of the kingdom.”

“I doubt it…”

“You do?” she scoffed. “Apparently you didn’t hear the conversation then. He told me he was going to kick me out, Andy.”

“I don’t think he would, though. He loves you.”

“He only pretends he does.” She shook her head. “But it doesn’t matter. I have to do my homework and talk with my fiancé. Prince Yumatha. Make sure he doesn’t believe what my father might tell him.” With that, she quickly turned around and walked towards the kitchen. Like usual, after they spoke, Andrew was left feeling dazed, as if she had been punched. So many questions were swimming through her head that her eyes nearly swam with her thoughts. What was on that paper? What did her father think? Why did this deal with her fiancé? she asked herself, staring after the princess. Thinking about the princess’s fiancé, whom the knight had never met, Andrew’s face fell into a frown. For some odd reason, she hated the prince Jillian was supposed to marry. Shaking her head, she went back to her room. She was worried about the princess, but it would do no good to either of them if she interrupted Jillian’s work. The knight had already learned in the past that doing so was a bad mistake and so a visit would have to wait until she was done.

Despite her head telling her to go back to the room, her heart was telling her to go back to the kitchen. She needed to see that poem. She needed to understand why The King was so scared of one stupid poem that Jillie probably did not even write. She closed her eyes halfway to her room and took a deep breath, ceasing to walk. If you went back, you’d only be trying to do your job better, she convinced herself. If she needs to talk, you’ll understand why she feels the way she does. Opening her eyes slowly, she turned around.

Resigned to see the poem, she was very glad when she walked into the kitchen to see an empty room, the counter top littered with what Jillie needed to do her homework. There was no crumpled paper, though. Looking around, Andrew smiled to herself as she looked through the garbage and found the paper. Quickly, she ran out of the room and sped up the stairs, running back to her room and locking the door. “Now to see what The King’s so worried about.”

It was a poem. Obviously. It was a beautiful one, too. The lines seemed to flow like a dance, detailing a relationship and how stunning a woman was in the eyes of the author. No wonder The King was worried, Andrew thought to herself. If it was written by Jillie…

Andrew pursed her lips and realized what she was thinking. Crumpling the paper, she sat on the bed. Is Jillie…? She shook her head. If she is, then no wonder the poor girl hurts herself. I did, too, at one point.

She slammed herself down onto the bed, her breath rushing out of her. She now needed to know if Jillie wrote that. She couldn’t have though, she thought to herself. She has a fiancé. She wouldn’t marry him if she were…

She closed her eyes, her heart thumping against its cage. But it’s a forced marriage. There’s still a possibility...

Suddenly there was a knock on the door making Andrew gasp. Why had she felt so sneaky thinking about Jillie? Shaking a head and calming herself down, Andrew answered the door. She flushed to see it was the princess.

“You took it, didn’t you?” Jillian said, forcing herself into the room. She was surprisingly calm for someone who was so upset when her father saw the poem.

“Uhm…” Andrew stammered, trying to hide the paper in her hand.

“Oh, will you just stop stammering and admit it?” Jillian took the paper from Andrew’s hand and looked at it, shaking her head. “I’m disappointed in you, knight.” She sighed as if in mock admonishment.

“I’m sorry,” Andrew said sincerely, desperation in her voice.

She looked at him with the same fake disapproval and then shrugged her shoulders. “No use in crying over spilt milk, I guess. Tell me how you liked it.”

“The poem?”

“No, my hair.” Jillian laughed. “Yes, of course my poem.”

“It was…” Andrew swallowed, unsure of what to say, “beautiful.”

“Well thanks,” Jillian said, smiling, crumpling up the paper again and throwing it into a nearby wastebasket. “I worked for months on it. You’d think words come out easily when writing poems but…”

“So then…you did write it?” Andrew interrupted.

“What?”

“You said you worked for months on it.”

“I did.”

“Then you wrote it.”

“Yes…”

“Then that means you’re…”

“Gay?” She laughed, though it came out slightly nervous. “No, no, I’m not.” She winked, looking towards the door as if making sure no one was there. “Just halfway there.”

“Oh.” Andrew stared at the princess, mind reeling. She sat on the bed, needing something to support her.

“Are you okay?” Jillian asked, sitting next to the knight. Andrew nodded her head absentmindedly and the princess smiled at the knight’s dazed look. She then finally laughed. “You look like I did when I found out you were actually a girl.”

There was silence.

“What?” Andrew finally croaked.

“I know that you’re…”

“You know?” She was incapable of sustaining any real thoughts, she was so dazed.

“Yes…?” Jillian pursed her lips. “Should I not?”

“Well, no one should. I mean, if you do, who else would?”

“I only found out because I hug you every time you pick me up from school,” Jillian replied. “I felt the tape and then suddenly it dawned on me that you’re too honorable for a man.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re too honorable. Most men don’t live by The Code because they can’t control their instincts.” She laughed. “You’d think after years of a ‘social utopia’ they’d learn to, but I guess men are still incapable of higher thinking.”

Despite the jokes made by the princess, Andrew could not smile. Or talk. Or think. She grew extremely afraid. She got up from the bed and sat by the window. She needed to get away from Jillie. She knows. What if The King knows? What if anybody else knows? They’d kill me. Or kick me out. I’d be dead either way. I can’t start a new life again.

“Andy?” Jillie asked, looking at the knight to make sure she was okay. “You sure you’re okay?”

“No.” Andrew shook her head. “They probably all know…”

“They don’t know,” Jillian replied, getting up and walking over to the knight. “I swear to you. If they did, they would have fired you. Besides, what’s wrong with me knowing? You know about me…”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“It just is.”

Jillian laughed and touched Andrew’s hand with her own. “I’m sure.”

Andrew fought back the urge to pull her hand away. She was as pale as a ghost, and the touch seemed to burn, but she could not pull away. Jillian’s hand rested in hers and the princess squeezed it reassuringly.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Andrew said quietly, head resting against the closed window.

“What is?”

“You weren’t supposed to find out.”

“So?”

“So now you’ll tell everyone and I’ll be fired or killed or…”

“Why would I say anything? I have as much risk of saying something as you do.”

Andrew groaned, but the princess just squeezed her hand again. The princess’s hand was small and delicate, but it helped calm her down. The knight was still pale, but the fear was slowly creeping out of her. “Swear you won’t say a word? My life rests in this…lie.”

The princess smiled warmly. “I know. I swear I won’t. Besides, you have something against me. Why would I say anything unless I wanted you to reveal me, too?”

Andrew nodded her head and looked down. Her head was still swimming, but she could actually think now. She swallowed hard as the princess gave one last squeeze and let go of her hand to leave the room. Somehow, life had become so complicated in such a short amount of time.

Breathe, Andy, she finally told herself once the princess was gone. You’re safe. Just don’t hug anybody else and you’ll be fine.

“So tell me about yourself, Andy,” Jillian said on the way back from school. Andrew had picked her up as usual, though this time more hesitantly. She felt paranoid even stepping out of the castle. “Is your name even Andrew?”

Andrew smiled politely, looking to make sure no one was around. “No. It’s Kianna.”

“Kianna? That’s such a pretty name! Why would you change it?”

“Did you ever meet a man named Kianna?”

“No.”

“Well then there’s your answer.”

Jillian laughed and rolled her eyes. “You’re insane for changing it. It’s a beautiful name.”

“Thanks.”

“Do you mind if I call you that from now on?”

Andrew pursed her lips. “I…don’t know…” She looked down, fidgeting even with the books in her hands. She would have loved if Jillie called her Kianna, but did she want to risk it just for the princess? “I don’t know... If you call me Andrew in front of everyone else…I guess.”

“Great, then!” Jillian said, her eyes lighting up. Within the past few days of knowing the princess, Andrew, once again Kianna, had always found her in a happy mood. That made the knight happier as well. “But what else, Kianna?” the princess said with a wink. “Tell me about yourself. Really this time.”

And so Kianna did. Jillian was silent by the end, her mouth hung open, and her cheeks were flushed. Somehow, with every emotion she had, her cheeks found a way to flush. Kianna thought she was beautiful like that. Every time she admitted that to herself, though, she gave herself a nice mental kick in the ass.

Still, by the time they got back to the castle, both had told their life stories. Kianna was amazed with the princess even more afterwards, if that was at all possible.

“So that’s what you’re really like then?” Jillian asked as they made their way to the kitchen to do her homework.

“Yep.” Kianna nodded in affirmation.

Jillian smiled warmly and stood there, silently sizing the knight up with the new information. She seemed pleased. Gently touching Kianna’s wrist, she took back her books with her free hand. “Well, knight, I should go do my homework.”

Kianna nodded. “Have fun.”

“Will do,” the princess replied. Grinning mischievously, she kissed Kianna on the cheek and walked away into the kitchen.

Kianna, stunned from the short but sweet peck on the cheek, walked back to her room. Why did she always feel like her mind was reeling these days? One shock after the other; she wondered if this was what a normal life was like.

Despite being away from the princess, though, her mind reverted back to the events of the past two days. The princess knows. Fear crept up on her again, but she pushed it down. Do others know? she asked herself. Will they find out just as easily?

She groaned and closed her door behind her, walking over to a mirror in the room and staring at her reflection. For some odd reason, though, she frowned when she saw herself. She looked like a man. Why did this bother her? You’re supposed to look like a man, fool. You’re no longer Kianna. You’re Andrew Boatman, a gallant knight whose job is to protect the princess.

She nodded her head in half-hearted affirmation, but frowned again as the enthusiasm left her body. Then why does being Kianna feel so much more right?

Turning the topic over in her mind, she angrily left the mirror and smashed down onto the bed. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, clenching her fists, trying to regain control of her own mind. It was useless, though. It was as if she could not sustain a higher form of thinking, as the princess put it before.

You’re more of a guy than you think, she told herself with a sigh. How much good will that do you, though, when you still want to be Kianna?

“Well, you’re unusually quiet,” Jillian commented after supper that same day.

Then knight pursed her lips and said nothing. They were walking in the hallway outside of the kitchen, just walking, with no direction at all.

“Want to talk about it?” Jillian persisted.

“Talk about what?”

“What’s bothering you.”

“Nothing’s bothering me.”

“Of course not,” Jillian replied. She took the knight’s hand and held it gently, tugging slightly as she embraced it within her own. “Come on. Let’s go to the library. We’ll talk about what’s ‘not’ bothering you.”

Following the princess’s suggestion, Kianna went to the library, sitting in a chair there and sighing when she arrived.

“So now, come on, tell me what’s wrong,” Jillian said, sitting on the arm of the chair the knight was resting in.

“Nothing…”

“OK, now really, what’s wrong?”

The knight closed her eyes and tried to relax. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I…I should be Andrew Boatman, gallant knight, and all I really want to be right now is Kianna.”

“Well that’s not so abnormal,” Jillian said “Of course you’d want to be Kianna. That’s who you really are.”

“But that’s not who I can be.” The knight bit a lip. “I need to be Andrew. I need to be a knight and live a normal life. I need…” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I need. I need a good kick in the ass.”

Jillian laughed. “You don’t need a kick in the ass. You’d probably be better off with a light slap and a hug or a kiss or something.” The knight first laughed, then looked down, the words making her throat seem even more twisted than it was.

“That’s the other problem,” the knight said a few seconds later. Jillian looked at the knight with worried curiosity.

“What is?”

“You kissed me.”

Jillian’s face relaxed and she laughed. “So?”

“So you shouldn’t.”

“Why not? You’re adorable and I wanted to.”

“That’s exactly why not.”

“Because you’re adorable?”

Kianna shook her head. “No, because you wanted to.”

Jillian looked confused. “So?”

“So…I wanted you to, also.”

“…Oh.”

The knight looked down, averting her eyes. Why did she feel so dirty now?

“So?” Jillian then asked a few seconds later.

“So that’s not right.”

“Why not?” Her hand touched Kianna’s softly. “Anyone would be lucky…”

“I can’t do this, Jillie,” the knight interrupted, her eyes reflecting her emotions. “I’m supposed to be Andrew, a knight…”

“You are not Andrew,” Jillie said. “You’re Kianna, a beautiful woman who is stuck in a position that forces her to do one thing when she really wants to do another.”

The knight pursed her lips, closed her eyes, and looked down. She felt like her world was crumbling around her. And all because of a princess who just so happened to be in the same boat as her.

“Don’t ignore me, Kianna,” the princess said forcefully, causing the knight’s eyes to open hesitantly. “I like you. A lot.”

“But we can’t let this happen.”

“No one would know.”

“You have a fiancé.”

“It’s a forced marriage. He doesn’t love me.”

“Your parents would find out.”

Jillian slid off the chair and knelt down besides the knight, her eyes shining brightly. “No one would know.”

Kianna looked down at the princess. Her cheeks were flushed again, causing the knight to swallow hard. When had this become Kianna needing to talk to a friend and not the other way around? When did this conversation turn from the knight needing to find an identity to the princess asking for Kianna’s heart? When had things become so complicated?

Do those questions really matter? she asked herself. You want her and she wants you. That’s all you need to know right now.

Kianna swallowed again and focused back onto the princess. She was beautiful. How could she give up the chance to be with such a wonderful girl? That opportunity would never happen again and she knew it.

Convincing herself to answer, Kianna finally nodded her head, a faint smile appearing on her lips. “I guess…if you wanted my heart…I wouldn’t mind giving it to you.”

Jillian smiled brightly, her flushed cheeks making her look radiant to the knight. “Well, then, sir knight,” Jillian said with a wink. Standing up, she leaned over the chair and gave Kianna an excited kiss. “I have to go back to my room.” Saying nothing else, she left the library, her dress flowing behind her.

And as usual, Kianna was left feeling stunned and dazed.

“So how is my daughter doing?” The King asked, having beckoned Kianna to the common room a few minutes earlier. “It’s been three weeks since you started the job and I would like an update.”

“Well, your daughter’s fine,” Kianna replied, thinking of the many other adjectives she could have used to describe Jillie. “She’s been a lot happier recently.”

“I completely agree, sir knight,” The King replied, smiling brightly. “Since you started, she seems to be doing much better.” The knight smiled. “I commend you on your work. Keep up whatever you’re doing.”

“Thank you sir…”

“Don’t thank me, knight. Just go. I know you want to pick up my daughter from school and it’s almost time.”

Kianna smiled again, keeping back mischievous grins, then bowed as The King dismissed her and turned around to leave the room.

Arriving at school minutes later, Kianna saw that Jillie was waiting outside as usual. Giving Kianna a quick hug, despite how she really would have liked to greet the knight, Jillian pulled back and shoved the books into Kianna’s arms.

“So your father asked me to update him on how you are today,” Kianna said offhandedly as they walked back to the castle, shuffling the books in her hands.

“Oh?” Jillie asked. “How am I doing?”

“I said you were a lot happier.”

“You’re right.”

Kianna laughed. “And he told me to keep up what I’ve been doing to keep you happy.”

The princess grinned. “I completely agree with him,” she said, then looked around quickly. No one was about. Seeing this, Jillie slowly drew Kianna’s head towards her and gave her a kiss that made up for their platonic greeting in front of the school.

When Jillie was satisfied, she pulled away and turned around, grabbing the knight’s hand gently and tugging her to keep walking. The knight was too dazed to do anything but follow.

“Anyway, so my father is pleased?” Jillie asked.

Kianna nodded her head, her thoughts still slightly mushy.

“Good.” Jillie grinned and squeezed the hand within hers.

The way back to the castle was slow going, but it suited the two walking there. The castle came into sight soon enough, though, and the two let go hands before they entered.

“I need to do my homework,” Jillian said quietly as they entered. “Will you come help me later?” She winked with the request.

Knowing full well what the princess meant, Kianna smirked. “Will do, princess.”

Jillian smiled and turned around, walking away towards the kitchen. The knight just stood there, biting her lip. She sighed. How in the world did I get so lucky to be placed with the one princess that actually likes me? She shook her head and smiled, turning to go to her room. Someone must be smiling down upon me finally. Too bad for the prince…

“Sir knight,” someone said behind Kianna. Well, speak of the devil.

“Prince Yumatha,” Kianna replied, nodding her head in respect, afraid she would say “Your mother” instead.

The prince nodded in respect as well, his short brown hair slicked back, the top shining in the light. “Come walk with me.”

The two started walking down the hall, the prince looking determined. He had an objective and that worried Kianna.

“You would know Jillie better than I do,” the prince said slowly, saying his words carefully. “And I need to know something about her.”

“Oh?”

“Is she safe?”

“Excuse me?”

“Does she still want to kill herself?”

Kianna pursed her lips, fighting the urge to kick the prince in his shins. He made Jillie sound like some disease. “No. She’s…safe.”

“Good.” The prince nodded his head. His hands were behind his back as they walked and he stared at the floor.

“Is that all?” Kianna asked when the silence became awkward

The prince looked up. “What? Oh… No, no it’s not.” He took a deep breath. “You know I love her, correct?”

“Of…of course I do,” Kianna replied, feeling as if a knife had been sliced into her.

“And you know I want the best for her, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And…”

“Not to be disrespectful, sir,” Kianna said, her eyes emitting hatred, “but is there a point?”

The prince nodded his head. “Yes. I…wanted to ask you if you could help me with the wedding. As in letting me know what she likes and what she wants.”

“Shouldn’t you ask her parents?”

“They wouldn’t know,” he replied, shaking his head. “She loves them but I know she wouldn’t tell them anything. But you’re close to her now and she’d tell you what she wants.”

“Oh.”

“So will you?”

Kianna bit her lip. Her throat was tingling with a mix of hatred, jealousy, and dread. She knew she had to give up Jillie when the wedding arrived, but the feelings she felt were unbearable. “I guess.”

“Good.” The prince smiled for once. “That’s all, sir knight. It was very nice speaking to you.” Throwing the knight away like a used tissue, he quickly turned and walked in a new direction. Kianna stood in the hallway, not sure how to take in everything that happened. She felt the usual dazed feeling she got after abrupt conversations, so much so that her head spun. She walked idly to her room, as if in habit. She needed to sort out what happened and she figured that would be the best place to do it.

Once in her room, though, her head was still a jumble. Anger and jealousy soon rushed to her, but she was too confused and upset to sort it out. Her throat tingled and her fists clenched and unclenched repeatedly. Her heart throbbed and as if to escape it, she quickly turned away from the door and smashed face down onto her bed. She had the sincere urge to smother herself. You’re an idiot, Kia. A complete fool. Did the prince just ask you to help with the wedding? And did you just agree? Are you insane?

Kianna groaned. How could you? That’s like willingly giving Jillie up.

Her heart ached as she thought this. She felt like it would tear her apart. Do you not like her? Do you not want to keep her? Do you really want to give her away so quickly?

She bit a lip, her throat pulsing wildly with jealousy. Why do you have to give her away at all? Why does she have to be with him? Why not with me? I love her more. I know her more. She’s mine. Groaning on the bed, she blocked images of Jillie from rushing towards her head. Seeing her and how wonderful she could be just made the situation that much worse. I hate him so much. I can’t give her up to him…

She repeated these words to herself over and over. Maybe if she said them enough, they would come true. The silence around her proved to be too overwhelming, though. The silence was consoling but hollow and did not provide much comfort against the thoughts she was thinking. Nothing seemed to make her feel better actually. Not even Jillie.

You’re…going to have to give her up one day, she finally told herself slowly, her eyes welling with tears. You’re going to lose her. She took a deep and pained breath. Whether you like it or not she’ll be his…and you’ll have no say.

She let her own thoughts sink in, and her throat tingled so badly it hurt. You committed emotional suicide, Kia. The minute you said “OK” to Jillie in the library, you were jumping off a cliff. Didn’t you know she was going to get married? Didn’t you know she was unattainable?

She was not sure whether she was angrier with herself now or upset because she was going to lose Jillie in the end. You idiot.

She laid there for minute after minute, her chest tingling with jealousy and pain. How much did she want to be that prince? How badly did she want to be a man? She would be able to give Jillie a life better than that prince could. Than any prince could. She would care about the princess. She could do it.

But life is unfair, Kia, she told herself, her eyes welling again. You can’t have her.

She wanted to punch herself but had no will to even do that. Energy was such a scarce thing at that moment and she needed to concentrate on breathing evenly. Otherwise, she would have erupted in tears. By the time Kianna was willing to get up again, though, her cheeks were wet and her bedcover had a dark stain. If it were up to her, she would not have gotten up, but it was probably about time for supper and if she did not attend, The King would worry and send after her just to make sure she was okay.

Come on, Kia, she told herself as she pushed herself off the bed. You need to eat. Besides, you haven’t lost her yet.

Slightly comforted in that last thought, Kianna somehow found her way to dining room. It was mostly empty, save for a few guards. The princess had not arrived yet either, but it did not matter. She would be miserable whether Jillie was there or not.

“You look like a mess,” Jillie whispered when she finally did arrive. The world brightened only slightly.

“I am a mess.”

“Again?” she laughed.

Kianna smiled and looked down. “I guess. I don’t know.” She looked back up again. “You’re fiancé spoke to me today after I left you to your homework,” she whispered. The guards at the table could not hear the whispers.

“Oh?” Jillie whispered back.

“He asked me to help with the wedding.”

“So?”

“So…I…I realized that I’m going to lose you. I…don’t want to, Jillie.”

Jillie stared at the knight as if in shock. She pursed her lips and looked down, saying nothing in reply. She said nothing in response throughout the whole supper, in fact, and Kianna knew she would not until supper was over.

Unfortunately for both of them, though, supper ended an eternity later. Finally, the King bowed his head and gave his usual thanks for such a wonderful meal, then got up. Other people stood as well, Kianna joining them. Quickly, she left the table. She did not even wait for Jillie. She couldn’t. It was much easier to run away from her than to face her.

Jillie was persistent, though and so ran up to the knight and walked with her. “We need to talk.”

“I didn’t notice,” Kianna replied.

Jillie smiled and grabbed the knight’s hand. Tugging slightly, she led Kianna to the library, which had become a sort of haven for both of them, and locked the door. Kianna sighed and sat down on a chair, her own hands and arms resting on the arms of the chair. She placed her head back and closed her eyes. It was as if she was trying to blot out the world around her. Frowning, Jillie walked up to her and brushed the hair out of the knight’s face.

“You’re beautiful even when you’re upset,” Jillie said, pursing her lips and kneeling down beside the chair.

Kianna’s throat tightened. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not?”

“Because in a few weeks you won’t be able to and I…need to get used to it.”

Jillie frowned. “That’s not true.”

“Oh no?” Kianna replied, finally looking at the princess with red eyes. “You’re going to be married. Whether you love him or not, you at least need to be faithful to him.”

Jillie looked down. She swallowed, somehow feeling ashamed from Kianna’s words. She could not even say anything in reply. She did not know what to say even if she could. That Kianna was right? That Jillie really would be lost? That would not help. Would anything help?

“Do you love him?” Kianna asked abruptly. Even she did not know where the question came from.

“What?”

“Your fiancé. Do you love him?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes. I need… to know so when I help him…I can know whether I’m leaving you in good emotional hands.”

“Kianna…”

“You’re still my job and I still need to take care of you.”

“But…”

“Just answer me,” Kianna replied forcefully. “Do you love him?”

Jillie bit her lip. There was silence for a while.

“I…I...” She took a deep breath. “He’s a good guy, Kia. He might be stuck up at times, but he…” She shook her head. She said nothing more.

Although it was what Kianna wanted to hear, her heart tore apart. She felt like her throat would explode. Her hands tingled and she squeezed them to make them stop. “Oh.”

“But that doesn’t change anything with us.”

“No, but…but it’s good. I don’t want you marrying someone you don’t love.”

Jillie said nothing. She only stared at the knight. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were red.

Finally, she stood up and went to the door. She sniffled. “I…I have to go.”

Saying that, she tried to unlock the door, but her hands were shaking and it would not open. Frustrated, she somehow opened the door and left.

Kianna stayed there, watching as the princess leave. Her eyes were blotchy and her cheeks were already streaked with tears. Why did she feel as if her life was over? Why did this hurt so much?

You haven’t lost her, Kia. She wiped her cheeks and sniffled quietly. Not now. Not yet. Just hang on. That ass prince might be promised to her, but she will always love you. Marriage or not. She took a deep breath. Just…just hang on.

The light shone through the huge windows and onto Kianna’s face. She grimaced. The light was too bright and she was too miserable to want warmth. She was sitting at the table for breakfast, her face a disheveled mess. No matter how much she tried to look presentable, she wound up looking downcast. It did not matter, though. The King did not care so much about her presentation and the princess no doubt looked the same.

To no surprise, she was sitting across from her at the table looking slightly disheveled as well. Apparently the prince did not see this, though.

“You look beautiful,” he said as he walked up to Jillian from behind and planted a kiss on her cheek.

She smiled faintly. “Thanks.”

“I hope you don’t mind, sir,” he went on to say to The King, “if I joined you for breakfast today?”

“Please.” The King laughed. “You’re more than welcome.”

The prince smiled and reached across the table for the cereal. “Morning, sir knight.”

“Morning,” Kianna replied as happily as she could. She was emitting hatred. Pure jealousy. She hoped the prince did not notice, but if looks could kill, he would have been dead, buried, and half decomposed.

“You look horrible,” the prince said a second later. “Are you feeling well?”

Kianna smiled politely, her hand clenching underneath the table. “I’m doing fine, sir. Thank you for asking.”

The prince smiled and started in on his food. Kianna looked towards the princess, but Jillian did not look back. She did not look at Kianna the whole morning. Jillie wanted to. Badly. But if she did, she would have started crying or ran up and hugged her, neither of which were possible. She played with her food instead.

“So how was your day yesterday?” the prince asked his fiancée a few minutes later.

“OK.” She shrugged, playing with her food still. “The usual. Woke up, ate, went to school, did homework, did whatever, ate, read, and went to sleep.”

“Sounds like fun.”

She smiled politely. “It is. It’s okay. School keeps me occupied.”

“Then would you mind if I walked you there today?” he then asked.

Kianna’s mouth opened as if to say something, but she said nothing. Her hatred overpowered her ability to speak.

“Well…Andrew usually walks me to school,” Jillian replied, glancing at the knight for the first time that morning.

Yumatha looked at the knight and smiled brightly. “Well, knight, let me have my fiancé this once?”

Kianna’s throat was constricting and her fingers were tingling. She felt like an animal. He was stepping on her territory.

“Sure. She’s yours,” she finally said, glancing at the princess as she said this. Her chest ached but she was bitter. Jillian really was his.

“Well then, sir knight,” he said, getting up. “Thank you.” He wiped his hands on a napkin and smiled to Jillian. “Come, dear. I don’t want you late for school.”

Jillian sighed and glanced again at the knight before she got up and left the table. Kianna watched them carefully before they both left the room, then she swallowed and stood up.

“I’m sorry, sir, to leave breakfast so abruptly, but I’m really not feeling too well,” she said to The King, who looked at her with concern.

He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry, dear knight. Go get some rest.”

Kianna smiled. Bowing her head, she left the table, and went back to her room.

She was flooded with anger, though, which made her head dizzy and made her walk crookedly as she went back to her room. He was doing this on purpose. She knew it. The prince was purposely trying to make her feel like the princess was no longer hers. He was trying to make her think she had lost.

He’s just being a good fiancé, fool, she replied to herself, closing the door behind her as she entered her room. She needed air. She felt drunk.

She went over to her window ledge, opened the window, and sat down on the seat built into it. The warm air rushed over her and she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she could see the garden. The prince must have taken the scenic route with Jillian because she could see them walking through the garden. They were holding hands. What Jillian said the night before was the truth; she really did love the prince. She was happy with him.

Kianna smiled faintly, but her heart was pained and her cheeks were wet.

This isn’t over yet, she thought to herself grimly. She’s still yours until they’re married, and until then, he’s stepping on your territory. You need to reclaim it. Pick her up after school. Even if he’s there, just do it.

She listened to her thoughts intently, taking a deep breath when they were silenced. Suddenly, though, she starting laughing. “You sound like a dog who pees on its territory.” She sniggered. “Try not to pee on her, okay?”

Fortunately, she neither peed on Jillie, nor saw the prince picking her up. She was glad, though, when she saw Jillie waiting outside the school as usual.

“I didn’t know whether to expect you or not,” Jillie said quietly.

“I didn’t know whether to come or not,” Kianna replied just as quietly. “You know, with your fiancé and all.”

The princess looked down and bit a lip, saying nothing. Kianna saw this and sighed, taking the books and starting to walk. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

Jillian nodded her head and walked with the knight. Silently, she slipped a hand into one of Kianna’s free ones, squeezing it. The knight smiled but said nothing. She did not have to. They both knew what the other was thinking, and saying it out loud would only make things worse. Knowing this, they walked in silence back to the castle, neither wanting to arrive, taking the scenic route back and just enjoying the other’s company.

When they got nearer to the castle, though, Jillie let go of the knight’s hand and quickly threw her arms around the knight’s neck. The knight was stunned at first, dropping the books to the ground, but quickly melted and slipped her arms around the princess’s waist. Kianna closed her eyes and took deep breaths. G-d, it’s going to be so hard giving her up…

“I don’t want to lose you,” Kianna whispered, still not letting go of the princess.

“I don’t want you to lose me either,” the princess replied.

“But I thought you loved him. You wouldn’t want to leave him either.”

“I don’t want to leave either of you.”

Kianna pursed her lips and pulled away, keeping her arms around the princess’s waist. “You can’t be unfaithful to him.”

“I know,” Jillie replied, her eyes slightly red, her cheeks flushed. “But…I don’t know. It’s so unfair.”

She did not have to tell Kianna. The knight knew that, but she did not say anything. She just hugged the princess again, then pulled away and bent down to pick up the books. Thankfully, no papers had flown away.

Books stacked in Kianna’s arms, the two started walking back to the castle again. “Help me do my homework,” Jillian said as they entered. “I want company.”

Kianna smiled and nodded her head. Whatever time she could spend with the princess was good enough for her, homework or not.

Sneaking up behind Jillian, the knight wrapped her arms around the princess’s waist and placed her head on Jillian’s shoulder. “Hey, beautiful.”

Stiffening up, Jillie soon relaxed and smiled when she realized Kianna was behind her. “You’re going to give me a heart attack one day.”

“Well, until then I’ll enjoy surprising you.”

Jillian rolled her eyes and smiled, continuing to do her homework even as the knight watched from behind. It had been a week since the prince had stepped on Kianna’s territory. It had been a week since Kianna even thought about that. It had been a week that the princess and knight had spent together almost exclusively. Kianna grinned to herself as she thought about how much time she spent with Jillian. The poor prince doesn’t even know that I’ve got his girl. Talk about stepping on territory.

“So what are you doing?” Kianna finally asked.

Jillian stared at her paper and scribbled words. “Homework.”

“Want me to leave you alone then?”

Jillian did not reply for a while. Finally she nodded her head, not even prying her eyes off the paper to answer. “Come back in two seconds and I’ll be done, okay?”

Kianna smiled, kissed her on the cheek, then left.

The silence was overwhelming. It was the type of silence that was so quiet, a person’s ears would make up noises just to occupy itself. It helped Jillie concentrate, though, allowing her to fall deep into her homework, making her gasp when hands slipped around her waist once again.

“G-d, Kianna,” she said with a laugh, still not prying her eyes off her homework. “I’m telling you, you’re going to give me a heart attack if you keep doing that. Doesn’t The Code protect against killing your employer or something?”

There was no reply, only a movement of limp hands and slowly tensing arms.

“Kia?” the princess asked, putting her pencil down and turning her head. Expecting to see a smiling face and red hair, her face paled as a man with slicked back brown hair and a shocked demeanor stared back at her. She turned around completely and Yumatha took his arms from around her waist. His face was of one who did not know whether to scream or to drop dead.

“And…and who is this…Kianna?” he asked, slowly and carefully, smiling bitterly as if he was trying to joke over the situation.

Jillian laughed nervously. “Oh, it’s…no one…dear. I was just testing to see whether…you still loved me.”

He stared at her, his face turning slightly red. “You’ve…you’ve been with someone else?”

She shook her head fervently. “No, no, I haven’t. It was a test…”

“A knight obviously because they follow The Code.”

“I was making sure you still loved me…”

“A female knight.”

“I don’t know why I did that…”

“But…there’s only Andrew in the castle.”

“I see now that it was stupid and pointless.”

“Unless Andrew’s really Kianna…”

“It was stupid because I know you really do love me.”

He opened his mouth as if to reply, but her words made him stop. His brows knit together. “I really do love you…?” he repeated, as if testing how the words sounded when it came out of his own mouth. “I…I really do…”

He stared at her with a feverish glare. Should he believe her? Was it really a test?

“Hope you missed me, Jillie,” someone suddenly said. Kianna walked through the door to the kitchen, but stopped short when she saw the prince was in there.

He looked up, his pupils now small darts being thrown in the direction of the knight. “You…”

Kianna’s mouth hung open. Her face paled. She did not know what to say. She did not have to.

Within a matter of a second, the prince shot up and knocked the knight into the wall. His hand gripped around her neck causing her head to smash backward, making her dizzy from the impact. “You’ve been screwing my fiancée, haven’t you?!”

Kianna tried to sputter out words, but her throat was closed, her air cut off.

“Answer me!”

“Please, let her go,” Jillie sobbed, her hands reaching for the prince’s.

“You stay out of this, Jillie,” he growled at her, his eyes never taken off the knight’s.

“Please…”

“I swear, Jillie, another word and I’ll kill her.”

Jillian shut her mouth quickly and backed away, gripping onto the kitchen table for support when she reached it.

With the princess out of the way, Yumatha loosened his grip slightly. “Now answer me! Have you been screwing my fiancé?”

“No…”

“You’re such a damned liar.”

“I didn’t do anything to her,” she sputtered out.

He laughed harshly and tightened his grip. “Nothing? You think you did nothing?! You tainted her, you stupid dyke!”

Kianna would have grimaced if she were not so worried about breathing.

“Do you really think she’s marriage material now? You think anyone will want her like this?”

Kianna tried to speak, but nothing came out.

“You freak. You’ll pay for this. I swear to G-d, you’re going to pay.” He let go of her neck and watched as she slumped to the ground, storming out of the room without pity.

Jillian, no longer paralyzed against the table, immediately fell to the floor beside Kianna. The knight was gasping, wheezing for air. Her hand went to her throat, rubbing it slightly.

“I’m so sorry,” Jillian said through a flood of tears, her hands purposely remaining away from the knight. “This is all my fault.” She could not touch the knight. She had already done enough damage.

“It’s not,” Kianna choked out, feeling the pain needed to make even the slightest noise.

“It is. He snuck up on me the way you do and I called him Kianna and he put the pieces together and now…” She sobbed, unable to control herself, then flung her arms around the knight and hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

Kianna closed her eyes and looked down, grimacing from everything she felt, physically and emotionally. Biting a lip, she tore an arm free from the princess’s grasp and put it around her. “It’s okay…”

“No it’s not.”

“Jillie…”

“We’re both as good as dead now.”

Kianna grimaced again, and Jillian continued to sob. Which feeling was worse for Kianna? Knowing she would have to start over and leave Jillie, or knowing Jillie’s life and father’s career were over. She took a deep breath. Whichever was worse, both made her feel like dying. “We will both be fine.”

Jillian picked her head up, her eyes red and puffy, her cheeks streaked with tears, then shook her head and continued to cry. Kianna pried out her other arm and placed it around the princess. Her neck still hurt immensely, but at that moment, it was only a small problem.

A few minutes later, though, two guards came into the room. They were looking at Kianna with new eyes now. They were filled with shock and curiosity. She was a side show. A freak. Studying her and staring were obviously called for.

“I…I think you two had better come with us,” one of them said after a few seconds.

Kianna looked up, stared at the guards helplessly, then shook her head and started getting up. “Come on, Jillie.”

The princess cried and tried to move, but she had no will. Her weight rested on Kianna and somehow, the two moved to the common room, following the two guards in front of them.

Standing in the room at the top of the stairs, despite Kianna’s thoughts that everyone in the castle would be there, were the prince and The King. The two guards left the room and closed the doors behind them, but no doubt they were listening intently.

The King’s face was red. He looked like his hands were shaking, but he controlled what he felt as best as possible.

“I…I’m not sure what to say, to you, Andrew,” The King said slowly, keeping an even tone. “Or is it Kianna? I’m not sure who you feel like today.”

The knight looked down. “It’s Kianna, sir.”

“Well, Kianna, I’d like to ask you then what made you think you had a right to lie to me, to my family, and to my kingdom,” he went on to say just as evenly.

“I…I don’t know.” She bit a lip.

“Or even more, what made you think you could…could touch my daughter.”

“My fiancé,” the prince added, his eyes formed into slits. “You…you…”

The King raised a hand and Yumatha fell silent. All that could be heard were the stifled sobs of Jillie, who was still relying on Kianna for support.

“Jillie,” The King said softly, “come here.”

The princess shook her head quickly, wiping her nose.

“Jillie…”

“No,” she whispered.

“Come here.”

She shook her head and the prince became irritated. “Look at what you did!” he yelled to Kianna. “You’ve stolen her from her own father.”

“I didn’t steal anyone,” Kianna replied.

“You’ve tainted her.” His eyes became red with anger. “You’ve made her unnatural. You’ve corrupted her.”

Kianna groped for words. “She didn’t do anything unnatural. See…see this is why she’s so masochistic! People like you reject her from society when all she’s doing is being herself!”

“This is not her true self,” The King said angrily. “My daughter would never do such a thing. You have perverted her thoughts into believing your ways are right.”

“I haven’t perverted anyone!” Kianna exclaimed.

“You and your kind need to be taught a lesson,” The King went on to say, his face flushed with anger. “You need to learn that you…you freaks can’t spread this disease unto others without paying a price.”

“I…I intend on making you an example,” The King then said, trying very hard to compose himself as he sat there. “You…you shall be executed tomorrow morning in the town square so that…so that everyone in my kingdom and all of your kind will know that they can’t pervert my family or my subjects. They will know the price they pay for their disease. They will know that if they dared tried to turn anyone else into one of them, that they will die right by your side.”

When The King was done speaking, no one moved. Kianna was ready to start laughing. This all had to be some joke. Some sick, cruel joke to show her not to mess with his family. But when the two guards quickly came in and took her by the arms, she knew it was not a joke.

“No!” Jillie screamed, trying to hold onto Kianna’s hand as the guards dragged the knight away, but Kianna made no move to hold on. She was numb. Jillie’s hand futilely gripped hers, but it was a lost cause. The guards soon had their way and dragged the ex-knight out of the common room, locking her in the dungeon instead.

Throughout the night, Kianna had stared at the dungeon wall, a single window in the wall providing hardly enough light to see anything, but just enough to know that there was an outside world she would never see freely again. Reality had not started setting in for a while either. For most of the night, she thought it was a joke. She still hoped that The King would start laughing and open the doors. She still hoped that she…she would not die.

“Don’t even think like that, Kia,” she told herself as soon as the thoughts began sinking in. “You’re not going to die.”

But she knew that was not the truth at that point. She knew she would die the next day. She knew her life was over because she did not fit in. When had everything fallen apart, though? When had everything turned from the perfect life to one that was over?

“When you fell for her,” she whispered, closing her eyes and grimacing. She would have told herself never to fall for anyone again, but she would not ever have a chance not to. The thought stung her, and her eyes burned. Her life was over. Over. Only 19 and already condemned to death. She took a deep breath and backed herself into a corner of the dungeon, huddling herself up as if to close herself from the world. Too late. It was too late to close herself off. She should have done that when she could, when she knew she was falling, when she knew that their relationship would either one day be found out or break up, when she had the chance.

But it was too late now and all she could do was sulk.

Somehow, she had fallen asleep in that corner. It was dark and wet in that room, but it was no match against her exhaustion and fear. She woke up only to be dragged out of the room by two guards again.

“I can walk by myself,” she growled to them.

The two guards looked at each other, then released her arms. Kianna, slightly stunned that the guards listened to her, straightened her shirt and put her arms to the side, walking silently out of the castle with her escorts.

Immediately once they left, she was met with boos and hisses. No one liked her anymore. Since they realized she was a woman, their opinions had all of a sudden changed. Their sound effects would have hurt her, but she was too preoccupied with not crying and falling right there, overcome with grief for herself. Keep your head up, Kia. Remember that confidence you prided in during the interview? Die with confidence and they’ll remember you.

Sniffling slightly, she picked her head up confidently and walked towards the town square, her hands shaking so much that she had to grab onto her clothes to stop them.

She took deep breaths and looked around as she walked. People were staring and laughing at her. Some were shouting obscenities. They looked so funny. They were funny. Nothing to occupy their lives but the suffering of others. She started laughing. She was beyond pain. She was beyond fear. She now only saw the humor in things, and there was something oddly amusing about her execution and the people who watched her. For someone about to die, you could at least be a little more serious about it, she told herself while stifling a laugh. You’re very inappropriate, you know.

At her new thoughts, she continued to laugh again. Maybe she was hysterical. Maybe she was insane. But she was not scared anymore. As the town square grew before her, her fear melted away and the laughing only remained. She laughed at herself. She laughed at the people watching. She laughed at the society who had finally succeeded in killing her altogether. She laughed because they all probably had skeletons in their own closet; she laughed because they all knew how she felt; she laughed because she knew them better than they knew themselves, and she would die for that.

Somehow, through her laughter, she was placed on a podium, a noose fixed around her throat, a trap door right below her feet. Her hands were tied together and people hushed as she was prepared for her death.

“Ladies and gentlemen, you have come to witness the death of the freak,” The King proclaimed, holding the pulley in his hand to release the trap door. “You have come to see an example. You have come to see that I will not tolerate freaks and unnatural beings in my kingdom.”

The crowd cheered and clapped. The prince, who stood to the side, crossed his arms in egotistical triumph.

“Do you have anything to say?” The King finally said, turning to Kianna, a glare on his face.

Kianna nodded her head, still smiling slightly. “I don’t know what I could say that would make any impact on you or your people. I…I don’t what I could say that would keep me from dying. You’re so staunch on killing me, on making me an example that my life is forfeit for your cause. Well…I guess my life is forfeit for my cause, too. I never tried to convince you that being gay was right, but I tried to be accepted. Yet you still pushed me down, like you do to everyone else seeking acceptance.”

Narrowing her eyes at The King, she laughed harshly. “Do you know why your daughter hurts herself? Because you would sooner kill her or kick her out before you accept her for who she is. I never made her anything and now she’ll be punished and ostracized from society because her fiancé won’t marry…”
“I have decided to marry her despite everything that has happened,” the prince said smugly. “You won’t ruin her life as you ruined your own.”

Kianna smiled. “Good. Then…then let me tell you something you won’t want to hear. There are people out there, King, that are like me. They don’t know it, or they’re too afraid to admit it, but there are more than you think. And you know what?” she asked, her head shaking slowly, a bright smile on her face, “we won’t be put down.”

“That’s enough,” The King said forcefully, gripping the rope tightly.

“You won’t kill all of us.”

“That’s enough!”

The King growled, but Kianna laughed at him. Her eyes beamed with hope. Her hands no longer shook. “We won’t die.”

Furious with the girl before him, the King quickly tugged the rope, the trap door falling.

Kianna’s body fell, her weight making the noose snap against her neck. The crowd around her cheered. They smiled and laughed at her. It was all a big joke. Just one big joke.

Kianna agreed, but it was a short agreement. The world around her quickly went dark. The people around her disappeared. The prejudiced opinions disappeared. The quest for acceptance disappeared. There was nothing more. Not even the triumph she felt in knowing she touched even a few people who heard her speak.

She hung there, limp, her face quickly turning blue. She was dead, but the smile on her face still remained.

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