"My 'Coming Out' Letter
to My Grandmother"
By Jason C.
Biography: Jason will be attending University of Maine. He plans to major in French/Linguistic. In the future, he hopes to become a teacher.
Why Karen and Melody Liked It: We received many coming out letters to family members, but this was the best letter we received because it was very real and touching. There was a good analogy to the grandparents raising him not to discriminate racially to hoping the grandparents will not discriminate because he is gay.
February 11, 2004
Dear Gram,
You have told me several times that I am a good writer, and that I'm able to express my ideas clearly. Writing is something that I enjoy doing. That is why I'm seriously considering becoming a language teacher - because I really enjoy writing and teaching people. I also remember when I was nine year s old, Mom and I were going to "Fun Pack Weekend," which was when the Cub Scouts and their parents went camping together. It was my first time at camp, and I was excited. When we arrived, there was an African-American boy unpacking his camping gear from the car next to us. I vividly remember, nine years later, that you said to me, "Jason, do you see that little boy over there? Don't go making fun of him because he has darker skin than you. That isn't right." Being nine, I wasn't going to make fun of him. Hate is a behavior that is taught, but you, grandpa, and mom never taught me to hate anyone. I thank you for this.
I also remember the next year, after we moved to Cooperstown (and after mom passed away) I was playing with some of the Vietnamese kids who lived on our road. I recall that Grandpa said something derogatory about the Vietnamese race and you said to him, "They're only kids and Jason can play with whomever he wants; Jason isn't going to grow up prejudiced."
A few years later, you told me the story about your trip to the deep south and about the attitudes you saw there against African-American people. You had some popcorn and you offered some to a black man. His reaction was that of surprise; you assumed that he was surprised that a white person was talking to him and sharing food with him, even. Even in a time such as the 1960s you have shown that you aren't prejudiced against people.
More recently, I became nervous the first time that I invited my friend Jenny to the house. I was nervous because she is Chinese and I wasn't sure what you and grandpa would say about her being of a different race. Personally, I don't see her as only Chinese. I see her as my good friend Jenny: the person I know who doesn't judge people, who sometimes doesn't brush her hair in the morning, and who can make just about anyone laugh. You and Grandpa treated her with the same respect as all of my other friends who have come over to our house. For this, I thank you. What I'm trying to get at here is that you and grandpa taught me not to hate, and to, above all, respect people.
Respecting people is a major part of who I am today, gram. I always use the manners that you and mom and grandpa taught me. I'm sure that you taught me those manners thinking about what kind of person I would be in the future. You and grandpa have often said something such as, "When you go to college..." or, "When you're out on your own with a full-time job..." or, "I hope you'll be able to afford to pay someone to clean your house for you..." or, even, "When you have a wife..." The way you see my future is very similar to the way I see it. I'm definitely going to college. In several short years, I will be out on my own, with a full-time job and hopefully I will have a nice place at which to live. And, I even hope to be able to pay someone to clean my house, because as you know, house cleaning isn't one of my strong abilities. However, I will not have a wife.
I have many female friends. However, I am not attracted to females whatsoever. This means that I am instead attracted to my own gender. Gram, if you are thinking about not reading further, I urge you to continue. It had been difficult to admit this fact to myself: that I am a homosexual. I think I finally admitted it to myself sometime during the middle of the spring of my sophomore year, or the spring of 2002. I am not sure how to explain this. Gram, have you ever lied to yourself? If so, do you remember what it felt like when you realized that you weren't being true to yourself? That is sort of what it is like. I knew that for quite some time that I was this way; I'd say maybe as early as the end of fifth grade. When all of the other boys started getting crushes on girls, I got then on boys. Of course, I didn't utter a word of this to anyone. For a long time, I just thought that "it" would go away, but "it" didn't. Instead, "it" is who I am today.
As you may remember, Michelle and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for a long time, over a year in fact. I suppose I was in denial about who I really was. I thought that I would just change as time went on. Or, at least that is what I wanted to believe. By the end of ninth grade, I was beginning to realize enough about myself to know that I wasn't attracted to girls. Trust me, gram, it would have been so much easier if I had just fit in with the other boys: If I really liked sports, cars, and girls. Believe me, I tried to fit in, when I was in eight, ninth, and tenth grade. It is just not who I am. I am not a heterosexual male.
I do regret, however, having waited this long to tell you. Unfortunately, you are among the last to know. I am not sure whether you are familiar with the term "coming out of the closet," but I have already "come out" to a lot of people, nearly everyone I know. I began "coming out" in school about this time one year ago. In fact, Michelle was the first person I told.
I suppose that I first began "coming out" partly because I was tired of people asking me, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?" Plus, my friend Elizabeth, from what I had heard, had a crush on me and wanted me to go out with her, even though she never told me that until much later. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, or anyone's for that matter, by saying "no" without a reason, being too scared to tell her the truth. For the most part, I was just tired of lying to myself. It has been a much better year for me, Gram. I can look people in the eye and be confident about myself. All of my friend knews and contrary to what you may think, I have not lost any friends after I told them that I am gay. In fact, It seems as if I have gained friends, although I didn't tell everyone at once. For the first few months, I gradually told people, a few here and there. Eventually, everyone knew about my sexual orientation. Now, pretty much everyone with whom I am friends and I have talked about it openly at one point or another.
If you are worried that I'll be teased and harassed in school, don't be. I've only been called "fag" or "faggot" three times. All three times it was by someone who I did not know, and it really did not bother me. Mom always used to say, "What goes around comes around." I agree with her, although I do become angry when people are ignorant. Fortunately, my group of friends is really accepting. None of my friends likes it when someone calls someone else a "fag" or "faggot" In fact, the only time when I am not nice to someone is when s/he calls someone one of these names.
So, gram, I am not doing this to get back at you for anything, or to spite you and grandpa. I truly believe that this is the way I was born. Do you remember when I was three and I wanted to be a girl? I would say "Grammy, I wish I were a girl. I don't want to be a boy..." or something to that effect. Being only three years old, I would not have been able to fully understand this unless it was a part of who I am and always have been. It is not your fault nor anyone's for that matter. As for what mom would think of me, well, I'm sure she knew a long time ago. If we believe that she can still see what happens here on earth, I would like to believe that she would be proud of me. After all, I am still her "little boy".
I am sorry I lied to you. I specifically remember a few times when you had asked me if I were gay and I looked you in the eye and I said, "no." You need to understand how afraid I was that you would find out. I suppose I felt ashamed, or maybe I figured that you would be mad at me, or worse, disappointed. Regardless, you need to know, gram. I just cannot lie anymore. And, I hope that you will still love me and accept me in the same way that you taught me to accept the little African-American boy and the little Vietnamese girl who used to live on our road.
I have wanted to tell you so many times before. Sometiems my friends ask me if I've told you and grandpa and my answer is always no. I have been worrried that you would be disappointed. I have come close to just telling you right out, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. I once walked behind your chair and I almost just said, "Gram, I'm gay," but I held back. Those are the three most difficult words to say. If you disapprove of my being this way, I will understand. I understand that it is a very hard topic to deal with. I can remember eavesdropping on your conversation with Aunt Jane when you were telling her all of the things that I was doing and how proud of me you were. It made me feel so good to hear that you were proud of me like that. So, even if you are not able to accept my being this way, please remember that I am still the same person and I am still doing all those good things that you were telling Aunt Jane about.
Something like this needs to be told, gram. The reason why I wrote you a letter is because I had so many thoughts about this and I wanted to make sure that I was able to express all of them. Also, I didn't want you to get mad at me and for us to have an argument. We need to be able to talk openly about this without having to worry that we will have a fight and end up not speaking to one another. Plus, if you do become angry, at least you could take a break from this letter and come back to it later. I think it saved us a misunderstanding because you would be able to read this while I am at work or at school, or wherever for that matter. You could perhaps ask me questions after you were able to think about what it was that you want to ask me. That is the reason that I spent nearly three hours writing this letter.
I am all out of thoughts right now, gram, but I hope that you will be able to understand and know that this not easy for me. I am still the same person, and I just want you to understand me more. A lot of times I have been frustrated because I could not figure out how exactly to tell you, and I would get impatient or agitated. I apologize for this. I love you, gram.
Love Always,
Jason