| Best Bisexual "Deciphering Sexuality" By Tashina Reynolds, WA |
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| 2004 KarMel Scholarship Submission |
| KarMel Scholarship 2004 |
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| Description of Submission: "Personal Story". - Tashina Why Karen and Melody Liked It: It was interesting hearing about being cardiosexual. |
| My name is Tashina, and I am a self-proclaimed Cardiosexual. Growing up, I never had any reason to think about my sexuality. Honestly, I dno't think I was even exposed to the idea of homosexuality or bixesuality until much later in my life than most - but then again, I grew up in a very non-traditional environment. My mother was very open-minded about everything, and about everyone from all walks of life. I suppoose I must have been exposed to it as a child, but it had no particular significance to my life - it just was. It was how some people were and that was perfectly fine with me. Raised not to judge others, I never did. However, society has taught its children to be straight by default. If you're a girl, you're supposed to like boys, and vice versa. That is what we've been taught is 'normal.' As I mentioned, I grew up in a relatively non-traditional setting - never once had I considered myself normal, by any means. In school I was always the odd one out - I have more often than not been the only girl in a group of guys who was treated as 'one of the guys' without having any gender regulations set upon me. It was natural. I don't even remember having a female friend until fifth grade, and even then she was almost as much of a tomboy as I. Throughout middle school and the beginning of high school, I date guys. As expected, I suppose. During my summers I attended a nearby summer camp called the Power of Hope, which was lead by a man named Charlie - Charlie was gay, and damn proud of it. I loved Charlie from the moment I met him. He was so genuine in everything he did; I never saw any reason not to! Still, I maintained that I was straight, never once even questioning it. The thought just never came about. One year, my fourth year attending the Power of Hope, there was a workshop entitled "Let's Talk About Sex, Creatively." As a teenager I couldn't resist taking a workshop where we were actually allowed to talk about nothing but sex. Besides, I was curious what they would have to tell us. The first thing we did was go around the circle, stating our name, our age, our sexuality, and why we had decided to come to this particular workshop. This brought abotu many interesting responses, especially in regards to the question of sexuality. People came up with very creative phrases, ranging from the more normal, "Straight, but questioning," to "Squiggly as you can get dah-ling!" We ended up writing some down simply for the originality of them - "Slightly bent," "Disoriented," and "Something I generally leave at home." Following introductions, we were told to line up on one side of the room in relevance to how we saw ourselves on the 'sexual spectrum' - one side being as gay as you can get to straight as an arrow, as they said. I was intrigued, I must admit. It was the first time I had been introduced to sexuality as a spectrum. It was also the moment I began to question myself. Two years later, again at the safehaven of the Power of Hope, I met Stephanie. That isn't entirely true - I had known who she was all through my schol years, but I had never really spoken to her at any length. At the Power of Hope, you get to know people. You see sides of people you would never normally see, sides that perhaps they have never let show to the world before. I talked to her frequently, and found myself strangely shy around her. It took me a while to place this foreign, but somehow familiar emotion- the moment I placed it, though, was the moemnt I knew I was bisexual. I had a crush on her. I was shy around her becuase I was attracted to her, and I wanted her to think well of me. One night of the week we have a tradition called the Heart Circle, which is an ancient tradition brought to us from the Maori of New Zealand. Everyone cleanses themselves in preparation for the sacred ceremony, and dons something new in recognition of the unique space we are to enter into. Once I saw Stephanie that night, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She had glammed up in a sort of rock star look that suited her very well, and I couldn't stop thinking about how absolutely gorgeous she was. I was certain of my bixesuality. I wasn't just attracted to her looks - it was her incredible personality that had drawn me to her in the first place. That evening, I came out to the circle. That evening, my best friend (who had declared himself bisexual many years before) taught me a new phrase that I carry with me proudly, to this day; "Never straight - Gayly forward!!" Ever year I went back to the Power of Hope from then on, I led the sex workshop myself. I took the initiative. One particularly rougth year we had some young men who were extremely closed-minded towards the queer folk in the camp, and had shown violence towards them at one point. During the sex workshop, I was able to work them through this - they realized at long last that their 'hatred' was nothing more than fear of the unknown. In the workshop, they were able to speak openly, and ask the 'alternatively sexual' any question they wanted answered. By the time the workshop had ended, the group was hugging, laughing, and having more fun than we had had all week long. Last summer was my final year as a participant at the Power of Hope. During the sex workshop I led this year, I learned a term that changed my views on my sexuality once again. When going around the circle during introductions, a middle-aged woman named Samara declared herself Cardiosexual. This term was new to everyone - she had coined it herself. Cardiosexual, she said, was more accurate than bisexual although by all technicalities she supposed that was what she was to society. Cardiosexual means taht you look deeper than the surface, she said. She loves for who the person is, not for their gender, or for what they might look like - Cardiosexual comes directly fromt eh heart. I am not straight, nor am I a lesbian. I'm not even bisexual, not anymore. I declare myself a Cardiosexual, for that is exactly who and what I am. I love from my heart and soul. I do nto care about looks; I do not care about gender. I love for the sake of loving. |