KarMel Scholarship 2004
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“What Does Not Kill You Makes You Stronger” By
Becky Teman, MA Desciption of
Submission: “This
is an essay about the personal transition that took place when my mother
announced that she is a lesbian. It explains how the situation effected my
life and personality and how it has shaped who I am today.” - Becky |
"Your mother is a lesbian." These five words would change my life forever in ways I never could have imagined. I couldn't believe that this was really happening. My mind began to race and overflow with unanswered questions. The thought of what was going to happen next took over my brain. I no longer thought about the activities that occupied most junior high schoolers were occupied with; homework, dances, sports or boys. They all seemed inconsequential to me; how could other kids be worrying about their date to the dance when I was going through this? All I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and never wake up. I was convinced that my mother, my best friend, had done this deliberately to hurt me. I felt more alone and isolated than ever before. During this time, I was bombarded with more clichés than ever before; "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "Everything happens for a reason," etc. As much as I tried at the time, it was impossible to find truth in any of them.
As time went on, my mother moved out to live with another woman. I tortured myself with thoughts of what the other kids at school were going to think of me. I even thought it was contagious; that it ran in the family and that I was secretly a lesbian and was just denying myself. My mother persistently tried to keep our relationship strong, but I was too angry with her. I became depressed, reclusive and often suffered from anxiety attacks. I tried my best to keep my emotions inside, so as not to create more problems in the family. I taught myself to smile all the time and by no means let people know that on the inside I was slowly breaking down. My happiness was nothing more than a delicate mask about to shatter. I withdrew from activities and my grades dropped significantly. I was no longer myself. I was hurting my family and I realized that I would lose my mother completely if I kept up the attitude.
My doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression and I entered therapy and started taking anti-depressants. Not long after, I began to feel different; no more anxiety attacks and I was no longer withdrawn as much. I desperately missed my mother, so I began the attempt to recover our tattered relationship. As cold and callous as I had been to her lately, on the inside I missed her and I wanted to tell her that I understood; that I was just angry and confused; that she was still my best friend and I loved her. I swallowed my pride and called her. We cried and spent hours discussing every aspect of what had happened. After we got off the phone, I kept crying for hours. I was so proud of myself and so thankful that I had my mother back, all though I had never really lost her in the first place.
After recovering my relationship with my mother, I began to finally feel comfortable in my new life. I realized that my mother loved me and she did not leave me; that the divorce was no one's fault. I learned an important life lesson from everything that I had been through: to take the good with the bad in life. Everything happens for a reason and I am now much stronger because of it. My mother helped me to become a better person emotionally and socially by opening my eyes to new people and ideas. I am more mature than most people my age and that enables me to help others with hardships in their lives. I was exposed to some aspects of life at an early age, but I am completely thankful for it, because it has helped shape the person that I am today. I am ambitious, optimistic, mature, willful and finally comfortable in my own skin.
In school, I no longer give in to the bullying and harassment of other kids. I stand up for my mother's lifestyle and even joined the Gay-Straight Alliance organization at my high school to help young gays, lesbians and allies feel more comfortable in their high school environment. I realize now that my mother is who she is for a reason and that although she is unique, she is a beautiful person and her differences make her remarkable. I am so proud of her for coming out and being true to herself. I have never seen her happier and though her announcement had negative short-term effects on my life and my personality, it had profound positive ones as well. She has helped me become the person that I am today, a mature, well-adjusted, ambitious young woman. I have learned to have confidence in who I am and use my experience to help others cope with similar difficulties in their lives. My mother is my best friend and she has had a greater impact on my life than anyone else I have ever known. She is my hero.
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