My Metamorphous

Leah Reinhert is a sophomore attending Southern Illinois - Carbondale. Her major is Architecture. After college, she plans to pursue a Masters in Architecture.

            My life was over. Well at least that is what I thought. How can I possibly be something that disturbs so many people? Why am I something that disgusts so many people? What are my parents going to say? Will they disown me? What about my friends? Will they leave me also? These are just a few of the questions that were screaming through my head when I finally came to terms, and realized that I am a lesbian.

*          *          *

            The reason I began to question my sexuality, is complicated, yet so simple. The real me was always there, I just hadn’t paid attention. If I close my eyes, I can still picture what she was wearing that first day I saw her: a yellow sundress with blue stripes and a bright smile. I was the new kid, in a large school, in a strange new town. That first day was terrifying; however she made it all worth it in the end. I don’t believe I was immediately physically attracted to her, well I could have been but I wouldn’t have known it, or acknowledged the feeling. But there was something about her that pulled me towards her.

            “Could I sit here with you?” she asked me, in the large, crowded cafeteria during lunch. I was so surprised that someone was actually talking to me, that all I could do was stare at her. “I guess I’ll take that as a yes,” she said sitting down. “So, I’m Holly.”

            I think I may have spit out something like “I’m Leah”, but I was still in shock that someone as beautiful, and obviously popular as her, was sitting across from me and actually talking to me. The rest of the lunch period we chatted with one another and I was starting to feel a little more positive about being in North Carolina. The following day I found myself sitting at a table surrounded by cheerleaders. This would have been one of my worst nightmares a year before. I couldn’t help but laugh, thinking that if the guys in Decatur could see me now. I mean, I made a living out of making jokes about cheerleaders. Going from eating lunch and hanging out with a bunch of guys, to eating lunch and hanging out with a bunch of cheerleaders, is drastically different.

*          *          *

            Growing up, I was the stereotypical tomboy. All of my close friends were always boys, I’d rather play sports than anything else, and I’ve always identified more with boys than with girls. However, I never questioned my sexuality until I met Holly. It was sort of like this huge epiphany that all of a sudden made my life make sense. Looking back on my childhood, I can now make sense of why I always felt different. And though I always felt like an outsider, it never really bothered me, I have always been proud of who I am. During junior high, I began trying to figure out who I was, like everyone else. However, I let others opinions get to me and tried to conform to what they considered “cool”. But I quickly realized that I enjoyed who I was already, and I definitely didn’t enjoy who everyone wanted me to be. After that I was much happier with myself and that made my life a lot easier. When I moved from my hometown, Decatur, Illinois, to North Carolina, after my freshman year of high school, I was able to start over. Not change who I was but be everything that I was, without restrictions. But that would soon change. In fact everything I knew about myself would soon change.

*          *          *

            The first couple months of school went by fast, I spent most of my time either studying or playing basketball. Every lunch period was spent getting to know Holly. By October, I felt I had gotten to know Holly pretty well. It was a Wednesday, my birthday actually, when I started questioning how I really felt about Holly. The details of that day escape me; I was focused too much on these new found feelings and thoughts that were clawing through my head. I do know that Holly took me out to eat somewhere, but that is all I can remember. These “new” feelings were very confusing, yet seemed to make so much sense. The attraction became obvious; I must have been practically dead not to notice it before. But I had never, ever given a single thought to the possibility that I could be a lesbian. I did a little researching that night on the Internet, but I was terrified that someone might somehow find out what I was doing.

After a football game in early November, Holly was driving us back to her house, so she could change before we proceeded to a party. She told me to follow her to her room, however, I was a bit reluctant, actually I was terrified that she would somehow uncover my feelings for her.

            “How about I just wait here while you change,” I suggested.

            Standing at the top of the staircase, in her black, red, and white cheerleading outfit, she put her hands on her hips and looked at me with the cutest lopsided grin. “What are you afraid of? I won’t attack you or anything.”

            “Actually, I was more afraid that I would attack you,” I said very quietly, hoping she wouldn’t hear. However, when I looked up, she was right next to me. My face rapidly reddened and I ducked my head down in embarrassment.

            “Why? I wouldn’t be afraid.”

            My head quickly shot up and I stared wide – eyed at her. She closed my gaping mouth, looked me in the eyes, and said, “ Yeah, I know.” No explanation was needed; I knew what she was talking about. That moment when our eyes were locked together, this is really sappy, but I felt like I could see her soul, and she could see mine.

            It took me a while to comprehend what had just occurred. We did not end up going anywhere that night. Instead, we spent the evening sitting on her couch talking. There was so much that I wanted to talk about that I didn’t know where to start. After sitting in silence, playing with a loose thread of one of the brown – checkered couch pillows, Holly finally spoke, “So, do you want to talk about it?”

            “I’m not sure. I guess I’d like to try. Basically, I’m completely confused,” I responded, looking up to meet her gaze.

            “Well, when did you begin to wonder?” she asked gently as she put her hand on my shoulder and gave it an encouraging squeeze.

            Smiling at her I said, “A little after I met you.”

            She returned the smile and moved her hand from my shoulder to my hand, “Does it scare you?”

            “No, I don’t think so. I think I’m more surprised than anything else. Which is really stupid because it makes so much sense.”

            “So, you’re not bothered by the fact that you’re a lesbian?”

            “Sounds stupid doesn’t it? The fact that I am a lesbian, that was easy to accept, the hard part is thinking about anyone else knowing. That is what scares me.” Holly gave my hand, which was still clasped with hers, a gentle squeeze. Then she scooted closer to me, and pulled me into a hug. I don’t think we said another word the rest of the evening. Until it was time for me to leave, we lay sprawled out on her couch, hands clasped together.

*          *          *

            Every time someone says something about how one chooses to be gay, I get very offended. Although they may just be ignorant, and have never heard a different view on the subject, I feel that how dare they approach such an opinion when they haven’t gone through the hell of realizing one’s homosexuality. At first I was very frightened at what I might uncover about myself. However, I was also very curious about what exactly homosexuality entails in one’s life. So, I began to do research. The Internet was very helpful in my search. I found many websites that had useful information about homosexuality and youths. It was very helpful to read other kids stories about how they came to terms with who they really are. The public library was also very useful, although being in a small town there weren’t too many books, I was able to accumulate a lot of positive information.

*          *          *

            After spending the entire two weeks of Christmas break in Decatur, I was itching to get back to North Carolina to see Holly. On the airplane, on my way from St. Louis to North Carolina, I was squished between the window and a humongous, disgusting, ugly man. However, it was the best plane ride ever. The following day, I met Holly at her house; I was barely in the door before she engulfed me in a hug. Holly had ordered pizza and of course it arrived right after I did. After finishing pizza, and catching up with each other, we decided to exchange gifts. Because we couldn’t agree, we both decided on opening the gifts at the same time. So, we both tentatively opened our presents. I think we were both a little scared about the relationship going to a higher level. I don’t think I will ever forget this moment. Actually, I don’t think I’m meant to forget it. After opening the gifts we looked up at each other simultaneously, and gave each other a huge grin. Then, as if some force field was pushing us forward, we kissed. I thought this would be incredibly awkward and scary but it felt completely natural and right.

            “Wow,” I said sitting back a bit. Holly just smiled at me. “How weird is this?” I asked holding up the ring that she gave me as my Christmas gift.

            “Pretty spooky,” she replied holding up an almost identical ring. This was her gift from me. She looked at me, our faces within an inch of each other’s, and leaned in for another kiss. The moment her lips hit mine, I felt like I was in heaven.

            Lying there after sharing something so special, I felt amazing. I turned on my side to look into Holly’s eyes, “Hol, thank you.”

            “For what?”

            “For everything. I don’t think I would have made it here without your help. I think I love you Holly.” Tears began to fill my eyes, “No, I know I love you.”

            “I love you too,” is all she got out before I was in her arms, kissing her again.

            Our relationship grew throughout the rest of the school year. We kept everything pertaining to us being in anything but a platonic friendship as hidden as we could. Because we were still getting used to the fact that we weren’t exactly who we thought we were, and having to figure out this new part of our lives, we didn’t feel comfortable telling ANYONE.

*          *          *

            The day before school started up again, Holly and I decided to go on a little road trip. We stopped off at one of the many beaches along the Outerbanks, walked to the edge of the water, rolled up our pants, and stepped into the ocean.

            “So, what do you think about being open at school this year?” Holly asked as she kicked some water towards me.

            “Hey!” I cried getting out of the way of the splashing water. “It’s a much bigger risk for you. What about your cheerleading? Do you think they are going to be cool about it?”

            “I don’t care, Leah, I’m tired of hiding. It’s exhausting. We’ve had so much fun this summer, I don’t want that to end because we have to hide all the time.”

            I walked to where she was standing in the water and took her hands into mine, “If you’re sure, I’m with you.”

The next day at school was the beginning of a very long year. We didn’t put up fliers saying that we are lesbians or anything. We just didn’t hide anymore. Many times, Holly and I would be brave enough to hold hands while we walked in the halls, and many times we would get detentions. We weren’t doing anything different than anyone else, except we weren’t heterosexual. We didn’t get much support at school. We had a couple of peer allies and one teacher, who I had gotten to know the previous year, that stood up for us. But other than that we were pretty much on our own. The first few months went by without too much trouble, we had to be careful, but nothing happened that we couldn’t handle. Well, except for when Holly was kicked off the cheerleading squad, that devastated her, but she refused to let them knock her down.

 November was one very horrible month. On the first, I began to have major health problems, and didn’t know what was causing all the pain. Holly was by my side every time I really needed her. I don’t know if I would have gotten through all the pain as well as I did if it hadn’t been for her. However, the fourteenth of November would change us forever. The day was just like any other school day, Holly, Jeff, Ryan, and I were walking to the parking lot to Holly’s car. We were around a bunch of people, though most kept their distance because we were the ‘queer’ kids. We were halfway to the parking lot when all of a sudden we were surrounded by a bunch of guys (though there could have been girls, I don’t really know) that began yelling “fag” and pushing us. The whole ordeal went by pretty fast. What started out as pushing quickly escalated to kicking. As the kicking started, Jeff and Ryan shielded Holly and I by putting us between them. Holly and I huddled close to the ground. I don’t even know if Jeff and Ryan fought back or not. All I could hear was the word “fag” said over and over. And all I could think about was protecting Holly. When it was over, the four of us were on the ground, no one seriously hurt. Physically that is. I looked up, and I saw a crowd of people staring at us. Not trying to help, just staring. We sat there until everyone left. I think we were in shock. None of us expected anything like this. Up until then the only harassment was name calling. Nothing led us to believe that something like this could or would happen. At least, not to us.

After this, all we wanted was some comfort that this wouldn’t happen again. But because we were all still too scared to tell our parents, there was nothing we could do. We were terrified to return to school. When we did return a week later, everyone acted as if nothing happened. Nothing happened to the people that attacked us, the school weakly tried to do something but since we all were adamant about not telling our parents, there was really nothing that they could or would do. This made me really angry. Mostly because I wanted something to happen to them, because what they did to us caused so much inner turmoil. The hardest thing was having to see the individuals that attacked us on a daily basis. It was like they were constantly throwing the fact that we couldn’t hurt them in our faces. There were also many other things that we were scared of, or had a hard time doing. We all had a hard time walking in the hallways during passing time, because we were afraid of being surrounded by so many people. We also had to wait until everyone cleared the parking lot before we could walk to Holly’s car after school. I still can’t be in public or around more than ten people without feeling scared and anxious. Also every time I hear “fag” I feel like someone is stabbing me in the chest. It’s almost like I relive the whole event every time I hear that word. Though it has taken a lot of time, and work with a therapist, I believe I am working through the event and making the horrible experience a teaching tool in helping to stop hate.

Everything went as smooth as it could go for two lesbians in a small town, in the Bible Belt, for a while anyway. In January, my stepdad lost his job, which meant we would be moving again, which meant that I would probably be moving far away from Holly. We had no idea where we were going until April, when my stepdad told us that we would be moving to Marion, Illinois. My emotions were mixed about this. We would be moving back to Illinois, closer to Decatur, but I would be a long way away from Holly.

            Having to tell Holly that I was moving to Illinois was hard. We’d both known for months that I’d be moving somewhere, but when it became an actual place, it became real, and that scared both of us.

            After we found out where we were moving, my parents were away at my little brother’s soccer tournament for the whole weekend. So Holly spent the weekend at my house. We’d had time alone before, but never this much time, and time without worry of when the parents would get home. So, this was pretty special.

            After school on Friday, we got into Holly’s car and drove to my house. We went inside, dropped our bags, and stood looking at each other with huge anticipatory grins. I kept the whole moving thing in the back of my mind, well I tried to, so that we could really enjoy our time alone, but I finally gave in and told her on Sunday morning.

            “Babe?” I said breaking a streak of blissful silence as I lay on my back, Holly’s head resting on my shoulder.

            “Yeah?” she responded turning her head and looking up towards me.

            I started crying. I couldn’t help it, the tears just kept coming. Startled by my sudden crying fit, Holly sat up and looked down at me, “Leah, What’s wrong?” She ran her thumbs across my cheeks to catch and wipe away the falling tears. I couldn’t get any words out; all I could do was cry. She sat me up and wrapped me in her arms and held me as I cried. After I was all out of tears, I sat back, took Holly’s hand in mine, and looked into her eyes.

            “Where?” she asked, already knowing what I was trying to tell her.

            “Illinois.” And then her tears came. We spent the next few hours holding each other and crying.

Two months later we were saying goodbye.

 My last day in North Carolina was spent with Holly. I think it took us forever and three days to say goodbye. Mostly we just tried to stay as close to each other as physically possible.

After sharing our love, physically, for the last time, we lay sprawled out on her bed, my arms wrapped around her waist, never wanting to let go. I wanted to stay there, close to her, forever.

“Hol?” I said, as I made circles with my fingertips on her stomach.

“Yeah?”

“Did you know that turtles can breathe out of their butts?”

She laughed. “I love you,” she said planting a kiss on the top of my head.

“I love you back. And I don’t ever want to move from this position.”

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” she said, pulling me closer.

Several hours later we were standing by the front door, doing out best to say goodbye.

            “Okay, I really, really have to go now,” I said, my voice muffled by Holly’s shoulder.

            “I know,” she responded through tears. She raised her head and our eyes locked, “I love you. Don’t you ever forget that.”

            I looked into those crystal blue eyes for the last time, and kissed her forehead, “I love you too. And I will never, ever forget you.”

*          *          *

            Accepting the fact that I am a lesbian was difficult. Even though I’ve never been what society considers the norm, it’s hard to accept that you are something that a whole lot of people find morally wrong and disgusting. When I was finally able to come to terms with the fact that I am gay, a tiny chunk of the huge weight that had been on my shoulder since I first began questioning myself was lifted. Once I was able to say it out loud to myself, and Holly, more of that weight was lifted. The biggest weight was released when I was able to jump the next big hurdle and tell someone else that was important to me. When I told that someone else, for the first time, I was terrified, I remember shaking so much that I couldn’t stand. But after I let it out, I felt amazing. The feeling of freeing the burden of holding something so important in the discovery on yourself inside and having to hide it form everyone, is indescribable. My cousin, who was the first important person I told, said something like, “Okay”. This upset me a little because here I was going through hell just trying to say it, and that’s all she says. But I was ecstatic to be able to share the fact that I had a relationship with Holly with someone else. Now I am totally “out” to everyone, and I am finally completely comfortable with who I am, and I love every part. I wear the ring that Holly gave me everyday. As a reminder of our relationship, but also as a reminder of all that I went through to get where I am today.

*          *          *

            Two and a half years have passed since I last saw or spoke to Holly. For reasons we both thought were best at the time, Holly and I decided that it would be best if we didn’t keep in touch. I’m not so sure that was actually the best idea, but we were trying to prevent any further heartache. I still think about her often.

By Leah Reinhert - Illinois

WINNER OF THE WRITTEN CATEGORY

2003 KarMel Scholarship