The Women's Changing Room

 

THE CAST

 

JAIME:       A busy newspaper columnist, bossy and demanding wife,

late 30s.

 

BILLY:        Her husband of 7 years, a pathetic car salesman, late 30s.

 

KIMMI:       His mistress, an uneducated secretary with a thick New York accent, early 30s. She does not know Billy is married.

(The scene opens in the women’s dressing room of a major department store. One wing leads off back into the store. The opposite wing is a door which leads into the women’s restroom. There are full-length mirrors on both sides of the stage. Downstage, there is a long bench meant for waiting. Upstage, there are three changing stalls, each draped with curtains that stop two feet from the floor. Two women, one in each side stall, are trying on clothing, which is only visible from the two feet visible from the ground to the stall curtain. Sarcasm is the key to this dialogue.)

JAIME

(opens the curtain of her dressing stall, wearing a smart navy business suit, walks over to the mirror closest to her, is completely unimpressed with what she is wearing.)

Oh no.

(runs back into her stall, closing the curtain behind her.)

 

KIMMI

(opens the curtain of her dressing stall, wearing an elegant evening dress, walks over to the opposite mirror, also is completely unimpressed with what she is wearing.)

Oh no.

(about to run back into the stall— JAIME opens her curtain again and runs back to her mirror. KIMMI sees her.)

Oh, wow.

 

JAIME

(turning and looking at KIMMI.)

Oh, wow. Well, don’t you look beautiful in that dress.

 

KIMMI

Whatev’ah. I always have to wear these obnoxious numb’ahs. You look so sophisticated in that suit.

 

 

JAIME

Oh, please. I always have to wear these stuffy uniforms. I need a new one for a press conference tonight. There is nothing sophisticated about it.

 

KIMMI

Press conf’rence? Are you a memb’ah of the press?

 

JAIME

I, uh, write for the New York Times.

 

KIMMI

Oh my gawd! That’s so fabulous.

 

JAIME

Yeah, I guess, if you like bullshit.

 

KIMMI

I always read the New Yoke Times, especially at work. I’m a Se-cre-tary at the law offices of Lie-yer and Du-mas. One’s a liar and one’s a dumbass.

 

JAIME

Sounds exciting. How do you find time to read with all that excitement?

 

KIMMI

I dream about doin fabulous career work like you. Instead, the only excitement I ev’ah get is buyin anoth’ah sexy dress for a night on the town with my boyfriend.

 

JAIME

A night on the town— now that would be something special. With all my press conferences, I have not had a night alone with my husband in months. I would love to wear a number like yours.

 

KIMMI

You look … about my size. Why don’cha try it on? I wouldn’t mind wearin your outfit and feelin pro-fessionale for once.

 

JAIME

Change outfits? (Pause.) You take that stall and I’ll take the middle one!

(They run back to the stalls to change, closing the curtains behind them. BILLY enters from the store, looking around the dressing room, carrying many shopping bags. He sits on the bench, facing the changing stalls. The girl’s clothes begin to fly over the stall divider as they switch clothing. Interested in this activity, BILLY descends to his hands and knees and attempts to look up the middle stall.)

 

JAIME

 (opens her curtain and sees him on the floor.)

That’s typical.

(walks over to her mirror and is very impressed with what she is wearing.)

 

BILLY

(getting up from the floor.)

Oh, hi honey, I was just…Wow. You look beautiful in that dress.

 

JAIME

What are you doing in the women’s changing room?

 

BILLY

Oh, I was just—

 

JAIME

Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

 

BILLY

That dress is stunning. You look good enough to take out to…um. What are you doing tonight?

 

JAIME

Must I remind you that I have a press conference this evening? I don’t have time for fun, like some car salesman I know.

 

BILLY

I get weekends off. (attempting to defend himself.) I have time for you.

 

JAIME

Well, someone needs to be a breadwinner. I guess that’s my job. Anyway, we are not having this conversation now.

 

BILLY

Alright, honey. I’m sorry.

 

JAIME

And what do you have planned for tonight while I’m actually making us money?

 

BILLY

Oh, uh, probably hang out with the guys—

 

JAIME

(completely ignoring his answer.)

Stop talking. I’m gonna find shoes to match this outfit.

(runs off into the store.)

 

(BILLY is left alone, walks back to the bench, sits this time facing away from the stalls. KIMMI opens her curtain, doesn’t see him, and walks directly over to her mirror. Very impressed with what she is wearing, she twirls about the room only to notice BILLY sitting on the bench. She walks slowly over to him, gets a good look, and then covers his eyes.)

 

KIMMI

(overjoyed to see him.)

Guess who?!

 

BILLY

(startled, jumps straight up and sees her.)

Jesus!!!

 

KIMMI

No, Kimmi.

 

BILLY

What are you doing here?

 

KIMMI

I’m shoppin. What are you doing in the women’s changin room?

 

 

 

BILLY

(casually.)

Oh, I was just—

(panics, attempts to run out the store, sees JAIME coming back, and runs towards the women’s restroom.)

I have to go; it’s an emergency.

(exits through the door.)

 

(KIMMI is stunned. JAIME returns, wearing high heels, struts over to her mirror.)

 

KIMMI

(sees JAIME in the dress.)

Oh, wow.

 

JAIME

(turns to KIMMI, sees her in the suit.)

Oh, wow. I think we found our true outfits.

 

KIMMI

I feel so pro-fessionale in this suit.

 

JAIME

(looking around the room.)

Where did my pathetic excuse for a husband go?

 

KIMMI

Oh, isn’t that a kick! My boyfriend is here, too. Don’t use the bathroom, he’s in th’eh. (whispers.) He had an emergency.

 

JAIME

Sure thing. (Looking for BILLY.) I wonder where that loser went to.

 

KIMMI

You shu’ah do look booty-ful in that dress.

 

JAIME

You really think so? These days I wouldn’t have any excuse to wear it.

 

 

KIMMI

This suit wouldn’t be nearly as excitin to my boyfriend as that dress.

 

JAIME

I guess the grass is always greener, blah blah blah.

 

(They both sigh and return to their original dressing stalls. They close the curtains behind them and change back to their everyday wear. BILLY opens the restroom door slowly and attempts to sneak out. Halfway, the girls throw open their curtains and begin to pick up the opposites clothing. At which time, BILLY is unseen by either of them, stuck in the middle of the side stalls and jumps into the middle one, closing the curtain behind him. The girls meet each other in front of the middle stall to return their respective clothing.)

 

JAIME

Here, that would have been lovely. Thanks for letting me live in your shoes for a moment.

 

KIMMI

Don’t mention it. It’s not so bad pretendin to be you ni’thah. Oh before you go, I want you to meet my boyfriend. I’ll go get him.

(goes into the restroom.)

 

JAIME

Sure thing. Maybe my lesser half will pop up around here as well.

(goes and sits on the bench facing the stalls. She then notices BILLY’s shoes under the curtain in the middle stall. At which point she descends, in his fashion, to her hands and knees and attempts to see who’s in there. She rises to the stall and throws open the curtain.)

Billy!!!

 

KIMMI

(comes quickly back onstage up to the middle stall.)

Billy?! My boyfriend.

 

JAIME

My husband!!!

 

 

BILLY

My god.

 

KIMMI

(to JAIME.)

Your husband?

 

JAIME

(to KIMMI.)

Your boyfriend?

 

KIMMI

(to BILLY.)

You’re married?

 

JAIME

(to BILLY.)

You’re cheating on me?

 

BILLY

I think I can explain.

 

JAIME & KIMMI

Explain!!!

 

BILLY

Well—

 

(the women begin to attack him. As they chase him around the room, old ragtime high-tempo parlor music plays, and the scene resembles a comic fight from the black and white silent movie era. Lots of slapstick action and physical maneuvers happen as the women express their anger on BILLY. The charade finally comes to an end.)

 

BILLY

Girls!!!

 

JAIME & KIMMI

Girls???

 

BILLY

Women?

 

KIMMI

How could you lie to me?

 

JAIME

How could you betray me?

 

BILLY

I can explain, truly.

 

JAIME

Yeah, explain to me how you could pick up a tramp like this.

 

KIMMI

Tramp? At least I have some taste in clothing.

 

BILLY

Please, I know this looks bad.

(they stare at him.)

Ok, really bad.

 

KIMMI

How long have you been married?

 

BILLY & JAIME

Seven years.

 

JAIME

Where did you meet her?

 

BILLY & KIMMI

Lie-yer and Du-mas.

 

JAIME

Good, you’ll need them. We’re getting a divorce!

 

BILLY

Great, now you want a divorce?

 

JAIME

I see it all now. You’ve been planning this all along. You already have the paperwork drawn up and everything.

 

 

KIMMI

Is that why you came to the law office that day? You said it was to sell

Du-mas a ca’h.

 

BILLY

Well…

 

JAIME

So, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

BILLY

(to JAIME.)

Honey, I’m really sorry.

 

KIMMI

What about me?

 

BILLY

Yeah, you too.

 

JAIME

I don’t believe this.

 

KIMMI

I thought you loved me?

 

JAIME

Oh, please. He doesn’t love his own wife. Why should he love a little hor like you?

 

BILLY

Jaime, please. We were having problems. Our marriage was suffering because of your work, and I was ready to give up. That’s when I met Kim.

 

JAIME

Oh, and now our marriage is a complete success, moron.

 

BILLY

I didn’t want to leave you, but I was so miserable.

 

JAIME

I guess you found a replacement .

 

KIMMI

Hey, I didn’t know he was married.

 

BILLY

I thought things would work better this way. You would have your work, and—

 

JAIME

You would have your fun.

 

KIMMI

I have a name you know.

 

JAIME

Yeah, it starts with a B and rhymes with Witch.

 

KIMMI

(thinks for a moment.)

Starts with a…you’re a Bitch!

 

(the women lunge at each other in slow motion, and BILLY gets slapped.)

 

BILLY

Wait a minute, this isn’t between you two. It’s between you two and me.

 

KIMMI

I guess he’s right.

 

JAIME

(slowly pushes him towards the restroom door, KIMMI follows behind.)

I don’t think you understand what you’ve done to our marriage. You should take a moment and think long and hard about your choices. Go into that restroom and don’t come out until you realize the damage you have done. Then maybe you can decide how things would be better for us.

 

KIMMI

Yeah!

 

BILLY

OK, sweeties—

 

(JAIME pushes him through the door.)

 

JAIME

I can’t believe him!

 

KIMMI

I was gonna marry that man.

 

JAIME

Oh, that’s a catch for sure. What a couple a idiots we were!

 

KIMMI

I’m gonna get back at him somehow.

 

JAIME

What’s the use. He won anyway! He used me and played you.

 

KIMMI

If only he could feel how much he hurt us, then we would be even.

 

JAIME

Forget it. Revenge is useless. We’re still the ones in pain.

 

KIMMI

I guess you’re right.

 

JAIME

The best thing to do is just move on with your life. I can’t. I have to endure months of divorce drama before I can move on.

 

KIMMI

Oh, I know a great lawyer in the city. He always wins cases over Lie-yer and Du-mas. Billy doesn’t stand a chance with our dumb law office. You’ll win everything!

 

 

JAIME

Really? Maybe moving on won’t be so bad after all.

 

KIMMI

Only now, if I stay with my job, I’ll have to see Billy all the time.

(starts to weep, walks over to sit on the bench, JAIME follows her.)

 

JAIME

Oh, don’t worry, honey. You’ll find another job. I bet there are a ton of law offices out there looking for … a package like yours.

 

KIMMI

Not likely. My dictation ain’t so great these days. The only reason Du-mas keeps me around is because I make the office smell good.

 

JAIME

Hey, you can type, can’t you?

 

KIMMI

Forty words a minute, why?

 

JAIME

The New York Times is looking for a fashion columnist. They want to bring modern style to the paper. What with your fashion sense and adorable personality, you would be perfect for that job.

 

KIMMI

Do you really think I could?

 

JAIME

You’re just what the paper needs. And with my connections, the job is practically yours.

 

KIMMI

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

(she squeezes JAIME with a big hug.)

You don’t know what this means to me. I have been waitin for an opportunity like this my entire life! I’m finally gonna to be a pro-fessionale career woman, like you.

 

JAIME

Oh stop. (blushes.)

 

KIMMI

Just think: me, a newspaper columnist. Oh, this is so excitin! I have the best idea. Why don’t you and me go out on the town tonight? Just the girls.

 

JAIME

A girl’s night out? I havn’t done one of those in— I don’t think I have ever done one of those. I never had any girlfriends, always being so work oriented.

(affirming KIMMI’s idea.)

I’ll ditch my press conference and we’ll take this town by storm!

 

KIMMI

New York City, look out! A couple a single women are ready to have some fun!

 

JAIME

Single? Oh wow. I havn’t been called that in seven years. I never thought I would ever get married, until Billy came along. The only reason our marriage lasted for so long was because he was the only one who ever wanted to marry me. Well, good riddins. I could do better than him. No offense.

 

KIMMI

Oh, none taken. I nev’ah got married because…I’m afraid of commitment. The thought of being with only one man for the rest of my life scares the crap outta me. I’ve been proposed to five times. I dated Billy longer than any of them, only because he nev’ah wanted to marry me. I figured some day he would ask; I figured I would eventually say yes. But the thought nev’ah crossed his mind, so we kinda…stuck.

 

JAIME

How ironic. I was stuck because he wanted to get married. You were stuck because he didn’t.

 

KIMMI

Who needs men anyway? They’ll just cheat on you in the end.

 

JAIME

Well, tonight it’s just us. Men suck. The way I used to repel men, I thought I was a lesbian.

 

KIMMI

Me too! Only that I didn’t repel them, exactly. I thought I was a lesbian because I was too afraid to marry any of them. I never tried it though.

 

JAIME

What, being with another woman? Me neither. I knew some people that experimented in college and…yada yada yada. But I was always too caught up in my studies.

 

KIMMI

I nev’ah went to college. Now I know what I truly missed out on.

 

(they both laugh.)

 

JAIME

Wouldn’t that be the best revenge on Billy? Leave him for other women.

 

KIMMI

Revenge? Honey, he’d love it.

 

JAIME

I’m sorry to say you’re right. I don’t understand men.

 

KIMMI

It’s a straight male fantasy. Watching two women have sex, then hopefully joinin them. So you nev’ah kissed anoth’ah chick?

 

JAIME

Me? Oh no. Have you?

 

KIMMI

No. But I’m sure they kiss bett’ah than the men I’ve had. What with the slobber and the stubble—

 

JAIME

And the tongue and the teeth.

(the women glance at each other back and forth, giggle, until finally they embrace and kiss. After a moment, they break away.)

 

JAIME & KIMMI

(panting.) Oh, wow!

 

KIMMI

I never thought it would be that nice! And here I spent all these years kissin men after men after men.

 

JAIME

Kissing a woman is quite pleasant. Maybe that is what I needed all along.

 

KIMMI

Does this make us…lesbians?

 

JAIME

Well, all I know is, I don’t ever want to be with another man again.

 

KIMMI

I’m with you. I’ve had so many, I’m bored with them. I wonder what

Mr. Cheater is doin in there.

 

JAIME

I don’t want to know.

(she goes to knock on the restroom door, KIMMI follows.)

Thinking time is up!!!

 

(BILLY opens the door, slowly steps out, and kneels to the floor.)

 

BILLY

Honey, sweetie. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted the best for both of us. I still love you.

 

(the women look at each, then at BILLY, crossing their arms.)

 

JAIME

Who are you begging to?

 

 

BILLY

Well…both of you. I hope to save at least one relationship.

 

KIMMI

Ha!

 

JAIME

Sorry, Billy. There is nothing to save here. We both decided to start seeing women now. It’s because of you I never had the chance to find true love. Now it’s time I lived.

 

KIMMI

Your wife kisses a lot bett’ah than you ever did. I wonder how you’ll ev’ah satisfy anoth’ah woman again.

(the women pick up their original outfits and other belongings. They are about to leave the dressing room.)

And you were nev’ah any good in bed ni’thah.

(KIMMI throws her dress at BILLY who is still on the floor.)

 

JAIME

Get out of the women’s changing room. You don’t belong here.

(They exit.)

 

(BILLY, after a moment, rises with the dress in his arms, holds it out in front of him, remembering the memory of his women, and walks over to the closest mirror. He begins to weep into the dress, covering himself with it for comfort, which looks as if he is trying it on. JAIME returns one last time, with her suit in a garment bag.)

 

JAIME

And about that divorce…

(sees him with the dress.)

Nevermind, that’s all I need.

(she exits, with revenge.)

By Michael Kaufman, CAT

2003 KarMel Scholarship Entry