What About Me?

I have been reading various articles about homosexual parents and their children.  How they have to fight the system to keep their children because they are in a same-sex relationship.  How single parents have to worry about meeting someone new who will accept their child.  Somewhere in today’s world, we have forgotten about the individual who is the other half to the story and who plays an important role.  Co-parents, these are the people we forget.  They give emotional support to their partner as well as their child and help fight for custody.  They also help raise the child by nurturing them with love, giving financial support, and providing a loving home.  After showing these things to the child, they come to love, cherish, and adore their co-parent just as much as they love, cherish, and adore the child.  Co-parents are the ones who get pushed aside when lawyers, doctors, and schools are involved as well as by the biological parent, or opposite-sex parent figure and their family members.  I would like to reveal my story and express my feelings on this matter, which a number of other co-parents have similar feelings that I do.

 

I am now twenty-seven years old and a co-parent to Patrik who is nine years old.  When I met Patrik’s mom, Kim, on the Internet, she revealed to me that she had a son who was fours years old at the time and I was then twenty-two years old.  I, having a young state of mind and partying all the time with no real responsibilities, was shocked to hear of this news.  At the time, I resided in Austin, Texas where I was attending college while Kim and Patrik lived in Houston that is a two and a half-hour drive away.  I wanted to get to know Kim so I had no problems with her being a parent and didn’t mind meeting and getting to know her son.

 

I finally had the pleasure to meet Patrik when Kim and I took him to the Houston Zoo.  We got along well and had a great time.  Patrik resided with his father figure that didn’t have any concept that my partner, Kim, was pursuing lesbianism.  When we brought Patrik home from the zoo, he recited his day to his father figure and mentioned that he was with me.  Needless to say, he didn’t like the notion that his son was around me because I was a lesbian and Kim’s partner.  After this incident, Kim was always concerned about what was going to happen since she had chose to pursue her feelings.

 

Whenever I saw Patrik, we were inseparable.  Then things took a turn for the worst.  One day Kim and I purchased a dog for Patrik and took it to his preschool to show him.  We were told that we could not see him.  Around this time, Kim was served with court papers stating that Patrik’s father figure was suing her for custody and I was put on a restraining order that I could not see, speak or be around Patrik.  After four months into this relationship and two months of knowing and spending time with Patrik, my heart was shattered by the words on the court papers and restraining order.  Although Kim was able to have supervised visitation rights, I had to stay away until instructed otherwise.  Patrik told his mom that he could not understand why I could not be around him, speak to him, or play with him.  The only thing that she could tell him was that some people did not think that it was a good idea for me to be around him.

 

For the first time, I felt the life I lived, as a butch lesbian was a bad thing.  That the person I am was considered bad to Patrik in other people’s eyes.  I kept on thinking that if I were a heterosexual woman, I would not be an issue to Patrik’s father figure or his family members.  This was all I could think about because I could not be around Patrik.  In a position when I am supposed to be strong for my partner in her time of need, I had to be strong for myself as well.  I never thought I would ever have to go through this sort of situation.  I could only imagine what my partner was feeling and thinking during this time.  Things remained this way for four months until it was time for us to go to court.  The attorney had them drop the restraining order since I had already established a relationship with Patrik.

 

After the new set of court papers was drawn up, Kim was able to have unsupervised visitation rights and I was able to be with them.  From that time, Patrik and I began our journey of getting to know each other again.  We gained each other’s trust, friendship, and love for one another without anyone saying that it was wrong.  I realized once again that being a lesbian is okay and what other people think should not matter.  We should have the freedom to be parents no matter who we are.  Running through my mind was there is no turning back, not that I wanted to, but this someone that I am falling in love with I could never let go of no matter what.  As our relationship progressed, my partner and I became closer and closer, holding hands, hugging and wishing there were never a time for us to be apart.  I always hear from Kim of how she is always the bad person having to tell Patrik what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.  I, on the other hand, felt I could not tell my own little brother what to do so who was I to tell Patrik what to do.  I wanted us to feel comfortable with each other before we reached that point.  I wanted to be his friend before his parent. 

 

At the present time, Patrik and I have a relationship that is unbelievable.  We are friends that can talk about everything and anything from being silly to serious, and we still have the parent-child relationship.  When I ask him to do his chores or his homework, he respects me enough to do what I ask of him.  In return, he trusts me to help provide a loving home, clothing on his back, and food plus a wide variety of other things.  To this day, Patrik’s father figure and his family members have no real communication with us and we also keep our distance from each other.  His father figure still has a lot of hostility towards me because he feels that I am not a parent and do not know anything about being one.  What he does not realize is that I am not trying to replace Patrik’s mommy or daddy.  I am trying to be a boy’s friend who he can feel safe with and who is not fighting or yelling over him.

 

It is so strange to have someone to depend on you, look up to you, and think you are the coolest thing since they got their first set of building blocks.  But you know what?  I feel the same way.  I depend on Patrik to do the right things.  I look up to him for being such a strong little boy when his world has been changed around him.  And he is the coolest person I have ever met because he has come into my life and turned me into something I never thought I would become…a parent.

By Kristi Maldonado, WA

2003 KarMel Scholarship Entry